Starcraft II Abridged Parody (spoilers)

[Drake Clawfang]

Since I did it for the original game and Brood War (http://blizzforums.com/showthread.php?t=19011), here is my written abridged parody of SC2.

Reporter: Emperor Mengsk, why are you still so devoted to fighting Jim Raynor?
Arcturus: Jim Raynor is the single most evil man in the sector! He is a pirate, a rebel, a renegade, a madman and a terrorist!
Raynor: Hey, I am not a pirate!
Arcturus: Also I'm fairly sure he killed my beloved cat of three years Fluffernutters! That is unforgivable! Oh, and last time we spoke he made fun of my weight. He must be stopped!
Raynor: Alright, enough sitting around listening to boring exposition. Adjutant, is my ship ready?
Adjutant: Yes commander, but does it really matter, the ship you use in this mission is a dropship, are you really so lazy you can't walk?
Raynor: Yes.

Raynor: Oh my god, the Dominion soldiers are shooting civilians! I for one am shocked, given their flawless track record!
Civilians: Yay, Raynor came to save us!
Raynor: Who came to what now? I'm after the Dominion base, stay out of my way!
Civilian: But we can help you fight!
Raynor: Good, let's split up! My boys will handle the Dominion base structure, you guys distract their marines with your horrible death wails as they slaughter you.
Civilian: AAAAAAAARG!
Raynor: Teamwork is awesome!

Tychus: So little Jimmy Raynor is a hero now. Last time I saw you you were bald and rode a Vulture bike. What happened Jimmy?
Raynor: It's called an art shift Tychus, seeing as how you're a new character you wouldn't understand. What do you want?
Tychus: I'm here to establish the main plot of the game. The Moebius Foundation wants to hire you to retrieve some alien artifacts.
Raynor: Seeing as how you broke out of prison with no explanation and now work for some shady organization collecting the pieces to an alien doomsday device, I see no reason not to trust you.
Tychus: And this is why all your allies end up betraying you, because you suck as a judge of character.
Raynor: I did, but I've wizened up. Which is why I'm certain you're completely trustworthy.

Rebel: Help!
Tychus: Screw the rebels, let's focus on the Dominion.
Raynor: Now Tychus, what did I always say about saving the innocent?
Tychus: They make nice meatshields for the stronger units?
Raynor: Exactly.

Raynor: We've gotta hold out until backup comes.
Tychus: This is where we'll hold out.
Raynor: Whoa, just got a serious case of deja vu. Have we done this before?

Matt: Well commander now that you're on-board the Hyperion, the real game can begin.
Raynor: Great, what's our next mission?
Matt: We've got a choice sir, we can either go for the next artifact, steal some nifty Protoss technology and make a nice shiny dollar for our efforts, or we can save some abandoned colonists.
Raynor: Well, our forces can always use more meatshields, but I do like the idea of stealing things...
Ariel: Please help! My people need you!
Raynor: Matt, you didn't say the colonist leader was hot! Let's go!

Ariel: The Dominion packed up and left me and my people to die here. Thank god you've come for me.
Raynor: Not yet baby, that part comes later.
Ariel: The colonists are ready to evacuate to the starport!
Raynor: Wait, you've already got your own army, transport off the planet and transport to the transports? What do you need me for?
Ariel: Unfortunately our troops are lazy and won't escort the convoy more than three at a time.
Raynor: Don't they care their family and friends will die if the convoys are destroyed?
Ariel: They're counting on it, they've all got life insurance policies.
Raynor: I like the way they think.
Firebat: Let's KILL THEM WITH FIRE!

Raynor: So doc I saved you, now comes the reward. Let's get to the lovin'!
Ariel: Raynor, you realize this game is rated T right?
Raynor: I can work with that.
Ariel: Also I'm married.
Raynor: Any chance we left your husband back on the planet?
Ariel: Nope. He and the other colonists have relocated to a new colony on Meinhoff.
Raynor: Great, let's go wipe them out! I am *not* gonna sit through a third game without getting any action!

Ariel: Oops, the colonists are infested.
Raynor: KILL THEM WITH FIRE!!! Swann, send us some badass units to own them!
Swann: Here hotshot, have some Hellions.
Raynor: Why don't we get Siege Tanks, just look at the ramps surrounding the base, they'd make the mission a breeze!
Swann: You're getting Hellions and you will like them!
Raynor: Remind me what it is I'm paying you for.
Swann: You don't pay me at all, I only work for you because you handcuffed me to the armory console.
Raynor: Oh yeah. I should find the keys to those cuffs someday.

Ariel: Jim, the Protoss are going to kill my people for being infested!
Raynor: No one screws with the hot chick, call up their leader!
Selendis: Greetings.
Raynor: Dammit, the Protoss have hot chicks too now? When did that happen?
Selendis: We must kill the colonists with purifying fire.
Ariel: Why do all my missions revolve around things being set on fire? I swear my character designer must have been an arsonist.
Raynor: Okay let's look at this rationally, who do I have a better shot of getting action from if I help them?
Selendis: I doubt I will be of little interest to you, we Protoss lack typical sex organs, at least the kind you humans could interact with.
Raynor: Well, that's that. Prepare to be owned!

Ariel: Thank you Jim, I don't know how I can repay you.
Raynor: I can make some suggestions if you'd like.
Ariel: My husband is still alive.
Raynor: Ah well. Good thing you didn't turn out to be infested too, I fell in love with an infested woman before and I'm trying to ween myself back onto humans. But like they say, once you go tentacles you never go back.
Ariel: Um, yeah, I'll be leaving now.
Raynor: I save your colonists three times and you just give me a kiss on the cheek?
Ariel: Yup.
Raynor: Tease, get the hell off my ship.

Tosh: Hi Mr. Raynor. I be Tosh, I'm the politically correct token foreign character in this game.
Raynor: What's with the voice, is he trying to scare me or seduce me?
Tosh: I hear you don't mind running the crooked path of a rebel, so I've got something lined up for you, if you're interested.
Raynor: Look Tosh, I dunno what you've heard but I'm straight.
Tosh: I'm talking about mining for some minerals, ya idiot!
Raynor: I don't care what you call it, not interested.
Tychus: No Jimmy, he means actual minerals, mining them for him.
Raynor: Oh. I'm okay with that.
Tosh: Here's some buddies of mine to help you out, I call them Reapers.
Swann: Man, they are seriously bad-ass!
Raynor: Really, because I only ever use them in PvT.

Tosh: I'm here to negotiate business with you personally.
Raynor: Matt, if he starts to flirt with me bail me out.
Tosh: I want you to head into the jungle and retrieve some terrazine gas for me. I'll make it worth your while.
Raynor: I know that shouldn't sound sexual, but in that kind of voice...Swann, fire up the Goliaths and I'll send down a meal to you. You can eat with one hand right?
Swann: Gee thanks captain, you're all heart.
Tal'darim: No, this gas is ours!
Raynor: I thought the Tal'darim were a small cult isolated on Aiur?
Tal'darim: We have spread to other planets so as to provide you with PvT missions where you don't need to feel guilty for killing Protoss!
Raynor: You're assuming I'd feel guilty in the first place.

Tosh: Now we need to bust my boys out of prison.
Raynor: Your friends are shacked up in prison, why am I not surprised?
Nova: Don't listen to him, he's lying.
Tosh: This coming from a top Dominion assassin.
Raynor: He's got a point Nova. Why should I trust you?
Nova: I'll show you my boobs.
Raynor: Deal. Sorry Tosh, I know we felt a connection, we understood each other, and in another game we might have been happy together. But for the time being I like women. I'm sorry, please understand, I've moved on.
Tosh: For the last time, I am not flirting with you!
Raynor: Playing hard to get won't win me back.
Nova: Knifey-knifey!
Tosh: Ow!
Raynor: Okay Nova, where's my reward?
*zip*
Raynor: That just made the ten-year wait worth my while.

Zeratul: James Raynor, I bring tidings of doom.
Raynor: Zeratul, you've lost weight. And you're a lot more melodramatic and lame than I remember.
Zeratul: Unless you want a psiblade through the skull, you'll shut up and look at the visions in this crystal.
Raynor: Right then....hm.
Dark Voice: EVIL! I AM EVIL! YOU FIGHT IN VAIN! IT IS FUTILE TO RESIST ME! I WILL KILL YOU! YOU SHALL ALL DIE AT MY HAND! BECAUSE I AM DARK, AND DARK IS EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EEEEVIIIIIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!
Matt: Sir you've been staring at that crystal for hours. What did you see?
Raynor: Nothing relevant to the story.

Tychus: If you're done with the sideplots, let's go get the artifacts! They're guarded by stone Zealots.
Raynor: Yeah, I've got Vikings and Goliaths now. Ownage!
Kerrigan: Raynor, I have forgotten how resourceful you were. And you have forgotten how EVIL I am! Because I am. EVIL that is!
Raynor: Hi Kerrigan, you're looking perky as ever.
Kerrigan: EVIL! ME!....EVIL!"
Raynor: Great, they're two of them in the game.

Matt: Sir, in this mission we need to dig the artifact out of a temple.
Raynor: Screw the artifact, I get to control a huge-ass drill now! Woo, look at those Archons pop! I LOVE THIS JOB!
Tychus: Jimmy, can we focus please?
Raynor: You just want a turn at the controls don't you?
Tychus: If you wouldn't mind...
Swann: By the way, have some Siege Tanks to help with base defense.
Raynor: Siege Tanks? Did you miss the giant laser beam that kills Archons in two seconds?

Matt: The Dominion is excavating something from Tarsonis.
Raynor: I remember, this is where Kerrigan went from being a hot redhead to being a disturbingly still-hot character from a Japanese hentai manga.
Matt: Sir, I thought I told you to stay out of my locker.
Swann: Diamondbacks, they attack while moving! They're the perfect unit for taking down the trains, though you probably won't need them after this mission.
Raynor: Is every mission designed to shoehorn in new units like this?
Swann: Pretty much. I could come up with more convincing reasons to introduce them but its hard to think with a band of metal digging into your wrist.
Raynor: I told you, I'm looking for the key, don't pressure me!

Raynor: A Confederate Adjutant huh? Perfect, they're programmed to be female, and I know my way around women. Hey gorgeous, what do you have to tell me?
Adjutant: User identified as Jim Raynor. Formulating appropriate response...."I can do better."
Raynor: Hm, we need a hacker. This sounds like a perfect chance for an uninteresting new side character!
Mira: You called, Jim?
Raynor: Wow, the ladies are just lining up for me huh?
Matt: Sir, she's my wife.
Raynor: You can turn around can't you?
Mira: Your contact has betrayed you, I can help you out, for a price.
Matt: No loyalty to your husband? If you want payment how about that pretty diamond ring on your finger?
Mira: It was cubic zirconia you cheap bastard, now pay up.

Raynor: So, we went from Hellions to Vikings to Siege Tanks to Diamondbacks...to Vultures. Did they just run out of ideas by this mission?
Mira: It's a gift from me to Matthew.
Matt: A cheap gift.
Mira: For a cheap husband.
Matt: Ouch.
Raynor: Hey Mira, how about instead of minerals I pay you in...other ways?
Mira: How about I kill Orlan for free if you promise to never make a pass at me again?
Raynor: I promise nothing.

Matt: It's an intercepted transmission of Mengsk declaring himself an evil prick! With this we can prove it now!
Raynor: Good, because with all the fringe worlds being abandoned to the Zerg I was beginning to worry people didn't get the memo yet.
Matt: We're gonna steal a prototype Super-Thor to attack Korhal and broadcast the message
Tychus: Jimmy I think I'm in love.

Tychus: Oh yeah, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Matt: Sir, Tychus is ready to move into the Dominion bases.
Raynor: Alright, let's scramble some Wraiths for air support, I want Marines and Medics to back him up, get some SCVs ready for repairs, set up Siege Tanks and Vikings at that choke to cut off reinforcements, and-
Tychus: Alright guys I'm ready! TYCHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS FINDLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
*stomp stomp*
Raynor: God dammit.
Tychus: Jimmy, I want you to be my best man at our wedding.
Matt: Tychus really likes the Odin huh?
Raynor: You should have seen him when he first saw a Siege Tank. Phew, that was a bitch to clean up.

Matt: Now we can raid the UNN studios on Korhal!
Tychus: And me and my baby can broadcast our message of love and peace across the sector! Why, if love can bloom between a man and a machine, anything is possible.
Raynor: Tychus, really, that's just wrong. It's not like she hasn't been piloted before you know.
Tychus: No way! She said I was her first!
Raynor: Sorry, got the logs to prove it.
Tychus: She's a whore! I feel heartbroken! I must find a way to express my sorrow!
Raynor: Blowing up those Dominion forces might help.
Tychus: Yes, that's the way! Boom, baby! Let's have one last go before we split up. I'm gonna see other units!

Arcturus: I assure, these slanderous attacks are fraudulent! Raynor is a terrorist madman! Do we need to discuss anew what he did to poor Fluffernutters?
Kate: Sir, any response to this transmission?
*click*
Arcturus: Please, you can tell it's a fake! Kerrigan and Duke sound nothing like that! And I sound far too fat for it to really be me.

Tychus: So now we have to help evacuate the Moebious foundation.
Raynor: Why?
Kerrigan: Because I am EVIL! EVIL! I do EVIL things, and command an EVIL alien race! Which I use to do the aforementioned EVIL things! EVIL!
Raynor: Oh, right.
Narud: I am doctor Emil Narud, I lead the Moebius Foundation.
Raynor: Hey Matt, look in that mirror displaying the doctor's name, ain't that neat. D....u....r....
Narud: No spelling my name backwards! It's a secret, don't spoil it! Here, have these medivacs and forget we ever met.
Raynor: See ya in part two Duran.
Kerrigan: No, you can't stop me! EVIL cannot be stopped! Which is me, EVIL! ME, EVIL! You're hopeless! Because you are facing a great EVIL! ME!....I AM EVIL!
Raynor: Kerrigan, when did you stop being so charismatically cunning and become so bitchy and cheesy?
Kerrigan: SHUT UP! THE EVIL WOMAN COMMANDS YOU! EVIL!

Tychus: The last artifact is on a planet about to be consumed by a supernova.
Raynor: Are we really that greedy we'll risk our lives to a flaming death of incredible torment and suffering just to make a quick buck off a bounty hunt?
Tychus: Yes.
Raynor: Just thought I'd check.

Matt: Sir, the Dominion has found us!
Raynor: I'll handle them! Tychus, put down that Playmech and suit up!
Tychus: Aw, lemme get to the centerfold first, this month they got the Goliath!

Raynor: Turn around Arcturus.
Valerian: I'm blond you twit, Arcturus is greying. Geez I must be really desperate if I want your help.
Raynor: What are you offering?
Valerian: A chance to rescue Sarah Kerrigan, make her human again.
Raynor: No thanks, she's hotter this way.
Valerian: Yes, but far more likely to kill you too.
Raynor: Good point.

Valerian: The final artifact is on this derelict Xel'Naga ship.
Raynor: Wow, a Xel'Naga ship! Imagine all the amazing technology we can reverse-engineer from that thing!
Tychus: I'm fantasizing already.
Matt: Why am I the only main character without a sick fetish?
Raynor: You do realize you married a chick with pink hair and cybernetic eye right?
Matt: I hate you sir.
Tal'darim: We're baaaaaack!
Valerian: Rip-field generators will destroy our ships, we need Battlecruisers!
Raynor: At least this is the last gimmick mission.

Valerian: Now we can invade Char. But first.
*click*
Arcturus: Valerian, what are you up to?
Valerian: I shall do that which you could not - free the Queen of Blades!
Arcturus: Good luck kid.
Valerian: And while I'm at it I plan to drop ten pounds. Make it two things you couldn't do.
Arcturus: You son of a bit-
Raynor: Hi.
Arcturus: Raynor, you will pay for what you have done!
Raynor: We'll settle this in the sequel, Arcturus.
Arcturus: Agreed. I promise you, one day Fluffernutters will be avenged!

Warfield: My ship is taking terrible, terrible damage!
Raynor: Real subtle.

Warfield: We need to neutralize the Zerg defenses. We can either send a team of four men into a cavern system full of Zerg and lava, or do a conventional attack on a space platform.
Raynor: Though I do like seeing my allies suffer and burn, I'd prefer to survive while doing it. Platform it is. Says here we can just blow up the coolant towers and...figures, another gimmick mission.

Warfield: Now that the artifact is assembled, we'll charge it up, turn it on and see what happens.
Raynor: Wait, what? I thought you said it would de-infest Kerrigan!
Warfield: Well, we're not sure what it does really.
Raynor: Why not tell us this before?
Warfield: Because now you can't back out.
Raynor: Bastard.

Kerrigan: You cannot win!
Raynor: Let me guess, because you're EVIL?
Kerrigan: Ye-no! Because I'm...GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!
Adjutant: Class 12 Psionic waveform detected.
Raynor: What the hell does that mean?
Adjutant: You're all going to die.
Kerrigan: hahahahahahaha! EVIL!
Adjutant: Artifact is charged!

*boom*

Raynor: Tychus, why are you aiming at Kerrigan?
Tychus: Sorry Jimmy, but I'm betraying you.
Raynor: No way!
Tychus: Considering how most of your alliances go you really shouldn't be surprised.
Raynor: I'm not, why I brought this
*bang*

Kerrigan: ....Jim?
Raynor: Its okay. I gotcha.
Kerrigan: EVIL!
Raynor: Huh?
Kerrigan: Sorry, relapse.
Raynor: .....so.....can we have rescue sex now?

END

--------

Phew, well that took hours! Enjoy!

[Kknewkles]

Kerrigan: Maybe, but before that I recommend getting the hell out of Char, and getting the hell out of your suit O_O

I'll read it later and give my opinion, but I already smell goodness

[Hammy]

Haha pretty good. I liked the jenkin's reference.
I think this sums up the game pretty. If you've got an entertainment voice you could do an SC2 in a minute or less audio or something.
I thought that map where you destroy the muta/broodlings was pretty good though! haha

[broodmywarcraft]

LOL!! That's awesome!!

[DemolitionSquid]

How very accurate.

[Gradius]

I've always loved these. Nice to see em for SC2.

Ending was the best.

[Xyvik]

That was actually really funny, and frighteningly accurate. Great job!

[imdrunkontea]

haha, bravo. pretty clever.

[SpikeVorador]

just great! xDDD

[AdmiralMengsk]

This is great. Basically making Raynor clueless was pretty funny.