StarCraft II the review

[solidsamurai]

You want funnier?

--- Melee soundtrack ---

What could you say gives a soundtrack quality? Whether it can 'speak' or not? Most games and movies have generic music plastered onto them, just for the sake of it. They come off as sonic-the-hedgehog wallpaper (gotta go fast!).

Now, look at StarCraft's music. It does something quite incredible. It speaks through music, and gives you feels.

Terran 1: This is what I would call 'Raynor's theme'. The guitar intro is confident, casual and informal. It also has a 'past' feel. It accomplishes these things through a power-chord arpeggio of the A-note descending to the G-note, back to A and repeating, with a variation to C and D. The power-chords give the intro this specific feel, one that would not be accomplished by full major or minor chords.

Instrumentation wise, there's none of that orchestrated crap. Get that crap outta my face! It's just electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bass and maybe some non-guitar instruments in the background, plus drum-percussion. This contributes to the rough western feel that would be lost with a large-orchestra - that would result in giving you a hollywoody. If your hollywoody lasts for more than 4 hours, please contact a doctor. Your may subsequently die of a heart attack and then boner rigormortis (great for whacky open-casket funerals).

Then we move onto the famous 'duh-duh duh duh duh, duh, duh duh' section. I'm sorry, 'duh duh duh, duh-duh, duh...', shit nevermind (doesn't translate well to text). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that duh duh duh duh part is just like the guitar part - intense, terse (is that a word?), and exciting.

Okay, guys, I just looked up the definite of terse and I think it means 'brief'. So, I'm gonna touch my briefs - I mean, touch briefly on this subject. This part of the song (duh duh duh duh...) is very brief. Okay, got that? Cool... where was I.

Hear the guitars? There's no facking weird-effects, or whammy-bar bends or solos. The music is brilliant not just for its' musicality, but for the fact that it represents the Terran race. They are cowboys and resocialized murders, not highly-evolved psionics with bullshit gimmicks (they're facking bullshit! I want to break their backs and humble them!). There's another part of the song that goes good with back breaking and humbling, but we'll get to that later my lovelies. Terrans are old country mountain men. Y'know... um... ok, they're a simple people so they like simple music. And it fits. It just fits okay? Don't be bigoted.

The music is casual but resonates with confident sexual energy all over the place.

"Howdy there boys. Names Jim Raynor, Marshal of these parts."
"Time to kick this revolution into overdrive!"


"Well, I guess all I have left is to see this through... The Zerg have taken everything from me. My home, my family, my friends..."
*seeing kerrigan for the first time in 4 years* "Kerrigan."

The theme is to keep fighting and never back down, despite how many first world problems you have. Just remember that there are kids starving in africa and that you're life is meaningless compared to their problems, so you should never complain ever. Remember to show up to work tomorrow! Have a nice life, you damn first worlder.

There's sad and happy parts. It vouches for the vanilla. Shit happens, but you take what you can get. A terran moral we can all abide by, right kids?

"Good thing I found that Odin."

Or you can be led to believe that you'll immediately succeed with flying colours in everything. Because um... naivety builds character? No, not character... where was I again? I gotta find the enter-button on my keyboard.

Oh, their we go.

Terran 2: The darkest, in a minor key. It represents dem marines - those attractive kids from starship troopers becoming meat for a government-issue grinder (if you're into that sorta thing, I guess...).

The second part of this track is a mellow build up. The third part is powerful representing terran artillery and armor - the units that blow away the darkness and get stuff done like that one american reality tv show where the guys shop at the storage houses and it's an auction and where was I... ? Silly terrans. Why even build marines? Oh, right, stimpacks...

The epilogue is a copy of a part of the Alien (1st one) soundtrack. It's kinda random, and I don't think songs have 'epilogues', but it was the only word I could think of. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
---

Okay, with that outta the way let's now do an analsis (*fart*) of StarCraft II's Terran music! Prepare for those exciting feels in your lower abdomen.

Ever since I had my accidental labiaplasty surgery instead of my scheduled colonoscopy, I lost all feeling in my lower abdomen. Send me a PM of what it feels like, and I'll email you a blueberry bagel if I still have any in my fridge.

Unfortunately, only one word comes to mind regarding WoL terran tracks. Inconsistency. It varies from orchestral and choir music, to some weird Irish-rock song with distorted guitars (I hate irish people for no reason... my entire adult life was the gilded age, can you blame me?!?), to 'country' songs with long bizzare intros. It presents a deeper image of terran life - allowing us to peer into the hearts and minds of blizz's writing elite, in order to anal-lise whatever the fuck they were struggling to present with this.

Let me get one thing straight, kids. I'm a sad, sad, old, tired, disgusting, sad, old, pathetic, sad man. I don't need... whatever this is. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't need it! Nope.

I don't like country either. Maybe that's what I was trying to say. Okay...

The new image is that the terran are hip, and like to get down with country and porn music. Now, you might think this represents an entire species, and... you'd be right I guess. This is starcraft 2 after all. Take it or leave it. Or take it. I don't care.

Protoss music. Let's start with Protoss 3. It is the music in the epilogues of StarCraft and Brood War. You can feel the emotions of doubt but hope in the music. Represents the species!

StarCraft II? Nope, it all just feels random and for the sake of it.

Zerg music, random... well, you get the picture, I guess.

NOBODY TOLD ME THIS REVIEW WOULD BE BORING.

I might've not told you this, but I'm a sad man who watches fox news and pretty much just judges people from a distance, so that I don't have to overwork my alzheimers riddled brain anymore than I fucking need to. So if I see something I don't like, it's a terrorist. Or terroristy. Or a terrorist thing.

The terrorist thing about those behind StarCraft II's music is that they pretty much did most of Blizzard's soundtracks through the years, original StarCraft included. So it must be a conspiracy. Maybe they were held up by terrorists?

Sadly for decades people have always thought music is some obligatory thing that you have to plaster and spackle and drywall (and paint? PM me drywall tips, kthx), throughout a movie or game. Me? I just want a good soundtrack for some part my life, god dang it. Like the one me and my wife danced to on our honeymoon before I killed her.
----

Payce!

[solidsamurai]

Sadly, no one realized that all of this stuff is for LotV. All that I mentioned is advice for it.

And everything I mentioned is not WoL, its' fixable.

Why does Lester believe that advice can be given for LotV and that it can somehow be 'fixed'? Disregarding before it's even made... there's absolutely no going back for this franchise, or for any future activision-blizz game.

WoL turned out shitty, HotS turned out shitty, how will LotV turn out? Hold on, I gotta take a shit, brb.

[LestersPetZergling]

I must give my most sincerest apologies to TheEconomist.

My review was not a review. It was a rant containing only vicious vitriol, unsubstantiated arguments, untasteful humour, rehashed QQing and libeous statements against Activision Blizzard employees Christopher Metzen, and Dustin Bowder. And it was written in an amateur quality, of overall bad quality.

And my comments towards TheEconomist were disgraceful, disgusting and hostile. I should not have done so, and I most thoroughly apologize.

Activision Blizzard has provided us for close to two decades, quality games and unforgettable, memorable experiences. StarCraft II's multiplayer-format is one of the most refined, competitive games or sports in the world. And StarCraft II's story is a classic tale of starcrossed lovers and good versus. evil, containing the classic Hollywood approach transforming the original game of talking-heads and long-speeches into an action-packed adventure.

I present to you, an upcoming, innovative game, penned by Christie Golden, behind such Blizzard-classics as, 'The Dark Templar Trilogy'™ and 'StarCraft: Flashpoint'™. In coordination with BioWare, known for their endearing romances. The story begins here:

One day upon the beautiful desert world of Antiga Prime, our hero James Raynor began a fight against the evil Terran Confederacy of Man. A dashing woman of redhair came from nowhere, plunging her blades into the evil Terran marines.

With a startled look, James observed her. She reached out and slapped him.

'You pig!' she cried.

'What?! I haven't even said anything! I can't even see anything!'

'So love has blinded you?'

'No... only because I'm so in love with you.'

I'm quite interested about this one. The gameplay seems amazing; rather then the boring fights of the original StarCraft, it's an exciting point-and-click game like the Hyperion in StarCraft II. Your goal is to woo Kerrigan. For example, you can visit the botanist on the Hyperion, and buy her flowers; increasing your standing with her.

Overall, I can't wait for this one. The dialogue seems amazing! A page from the script:

KERRIGAN: Jiiim, where are you?

RAYNOR: I'm here, darlin'.

KERRIGAN: Doesn't take a telepath to know what you're thinking.

RAYNOR: Just shut up and kiss me, darlin'.

[Gradius]

I have no idea what's going on.

[solidsamurai]

Starcraft, in my brain. Make it stop. Fuck the pain away.

[LestersPetZergling]

LoversCraft, the new dating sim developed by Blizzard and written by Christie Golden, set during Rebel Yell. This is what is going on. And I'm truly excited. After seeing some screenshots for this game, there is hope for the StarCraft franchise.

[solidsamurai]

Who's the chick on the left?

If it includes accurately rendered kissing scenes, IGN'll given it a 9/10.

[LestersPetZergling]

It's Kerrigan!

[solidsamurai]

Doesn't look like her.

[LestersPetZergling]

Lol Retcons