Story Review Request

[topsecret221]

Indeed, this is related to StarCraft, and (as a newcomer), I'm throwing it up in this forum under the impression that you guys are going to have a pretty good idea of whether or not I messed something up, lore-wise. Of course, the wonderful mods can pick this up and place it where ever they please.

However, I'm not posting it up here. It's currently 2 chapters, and I'd rather have the entire thing done before it is released to the public. If you are interested in reading a short 20 pages of not-terrible writing (but I'm biased, what do I know ) then please contact me, either by post or by email. I'll send you a copy of what I currently have completed.

To preface, after reading the awfully decimated and retcon'd to hell Queen of Blades, and then reading that the same author is going to be stolen away to write the rest of the Brood War saga, I decided that I'd like to keep the canon of my original game (and, given my abnormal memory and ability to recall little bits of lore and levels, I think I'll be able to live up to that). However, basing this on Artanis's point of view, I'm starting chapter one long before the invasion of the zerg: this is Artanis' story up to the end of the original StarCraft campaign, and his story will continue through Brood War (probably won't be switching to Selendis's point of view in the next one... a little bit of consistency tends to be a good thing. She will take the place of the PC in that one, though ).

Of course, as a small token of any writing prowess that I may not have, here is the prologue:


The darkness began to fade away, replaced by bright, low blue lights. As he regained consciousness, he stretched his arms and his legs, before mentally initiating the shutdown sequence. Slowly, the blue lights—panels, projections, scanners, neural interfaces, and the like—began to fade away, being once again replaced with an eerie darkness, punctured only by an omnipresent shade of bright blue. He cracked his joints, exercising his body to be prepared for what his mind would review and unravel momentarily. Finally, a bright light emerged, stretching 360 degrees horizontally and growing taller. He closed his eyes, listening to the quiet whir of hydraulics and readying himself to adjust his eyes to the surroundings that would soon reveal themselves to him.

He stepped out of the large, elliptical pod and looked around, expecting others to be with him, as they always had before. They were not, instead being replaced by the flawless gold and silvers that the walls of the room consisted of. Looking down at himself, he thought himself to be an average being thrust into such an abnormal situation: normal abilities, normal intellect, and normal height: 16.7 Lihkanuits. Or… 3 meters, his mind told him. The terrans used meters.

He stretched his long, limber body to relieve some of the stress that the pa’onga put onto the physical self. He moved away from his personal pa’onga chamber and moved towards his new uniform, that of an Executor. Picking it up, he ran his rough hands down the length of the smooth, flowing cloth present from the shoulder pads. It was large, very ornate, and possessed large rounded orbs at the shoulders, gems that looked strange without radiating energy of the clan it belonged to. He began to put it on, ready to take on the force that threatened to consume Aiur in its gaping jaws.

Stepping out of his chambers, another of his kind awaited him. The newcomer was dressed in an extremely expensive crimson robe, his yellow eyes radiating an ancient energy, of which hadn’t been tapped for centuries.

“En Taro Adun, Executor Artanis,” the hooded figure greeted. “I am Judicator Aldaris, and I have been sent by the Conclave to serve and counsel you.”

[The_Blade]

IMHO

It was a nice read. I enjoyed your interpretation of the Khala and how the Protoss interact within it. For once, I would love a dedicated Protoss novel like your book.

I do believe you need to work on your description. Sometimes in your book, I read a sentence twice and create two different scenarios for each recap. Describe the scene with the least amount of words possible, but with a solid structure. Allow your reader to understand everything inside the room, but let him work out the details. Point out details that are important too, and guide him through your story.

Now, the Protoss is an alien race. Work with them like if you were disattached from human culture. Don't create characters around the human army stereotype. Create a new concept on how the Protoss warriors work, and then develop characters on it. Replace all the following words: Army, soldier, "Yes, sir". Replace them with Protoss theme words. Remove the ability to command from Fom'asa but do not state that he is a commander. These are all small things that will help you create a "true" Protoss feel to your book.

Just like human's are chaotic on their war front, the Protoss are bold and disciplined. Even the Dark Templar are, but not as much as the Khalai. Protoss characters are modest and wise. Artanis is too young to share the culmination of both characteristics, but he is still sharp. You made a good approach on Artanis. Now here is an issue I had with Fenix:

“Alright, Artanis, you know how to get through one of these things?” Fenix began to enter in data to a holopanel that Artanis assumed was the control key for this node. He thought about it for a second before concluding that this was the command node. It probably got a few others nodes prepped for transit as well.

Fenix is a Praetor of the Conclave and as such he must be one of the best in the warrior class. He should be familiar with elements like the warp nodes, and should speak with a more "classy" or "formal" language. Therefore, you should try to make him follow a formal, powerful and wise character template. Justify his "rebelion" against the conclave.

The Protoss may fall to despair and evil, but their strong discipline prevents them from doing so. Most Protoss characters should avoid the vanities that might interest a common human and should be uninterested in power. Give your characters a higher purpose, because they don't understand each other under the moral of Terrans. Fom´asa, for example, belongs to this argument.

“Silence, Optio,” the older protoss cut him off, and sternly. He didn’t seem intent on Artanis’ presence. “I have served under the Praetor for more than forty years. If you think that getting lucky and graduating the Academy early means that you’re taking my job on your first assignment, I’ll be getting you back into schooling so fast, you won’t even be able to remember being here in the first place.”

Be careful on how you use actual lore or lore elements that are in conflict. They are unstable and might reduce the strength of your world building. I would recommend that you leave the "Tal'darim" term out of your book.

I liked the war interface you created for the Protoss leaders, but you should attempt to involve the leaders with their subordinates. For example, describe the death of former Zealot as if it was Artanis own flesh. You are right, it should be an interpretation of the Khala, but the hardware itself should enhance your abilites and your reception of emotion.

Finally, I believe scenario building is really important too. When describing the "Gateway" of Aiur, you should try to describe something like this:



Your description on Fenix's outpost is accurate as it supports the sad idea of war. You should still dedicate a little more time to create the scenarios in your book.

[topsecret221]

A response to the wonderful Blade:

IMHO

I appreciate nothing more than honesty.

It was a nice read. I enjoyed your interpretation of the Khala and how the Protoss interact within it. For once, I would love a dedicated Protoss novel like your book.

Thank you very much
It means a lot.

I do believe you need to work on your description. Sometimes in your book, I read a sentence twice and create two different scenarios for each recap. Describe the scene with the least amount of words possible, but with a solid structure. Allow your reader to understand everything inside the room, but let him work out the details. Point out details that are important too, and guide him through your story.

People in past years have made me aware of this annoying tendency in my writing, and it probably stems from my drawing: I love for people to see exactly what I see, and this carries into my writing, obviously simply making it confusing. I'll work on these descriptions.

Just like human's are chaotic on their war front, the Protoss are bold and disciplined. Even the Dark Templar are, but not as much as the Khalai. Protoss characters are modest and wise. Artanis is too young to share the culmination of both characteristics, but he is still sharp. You made a good approach on Artanis. Now here is an issue I had with Fenix:

“Alright, Artanis, you know how to get through one of these things?” Fenix began to enter in data to a holopanel that Artanis assumed was the control key for this node. He thought about it for a second before concluding that this was the command node. It probably got a few others nodes prepped for transit as well.

Fenix is a Praetor of the Conclave and as such he must be one of the best in the warrior class. He should be familiar with elements like the warp nodes, and should speak with a more "classy" or "formal" language. Therefore, you should try to make him follow a formal, powerful and wise character template. Justify his "rebelion" against the conclave.

I believe this was a writing mistake on my part, I meant to say that Artanis concluded that it was the command node. Entirely my bad.

I will be going back and rewriting some of Fenix's dialogue as well, and I'll make his mention of rebelliousness make Artanis have second thoughts. Spur on a little bit of conflict.

Be careful on how you use actual lore or lore elements that are in conflict. They are unstable and might reduce the strength of your world building. I would recommend that you leave the "Tal'darim" term out of your book.

I know that the Tal'darim are nowhere to be found in my book, but there is mention of Taldarin in one of the footnotes. I am considering modifying the character of Zak'Nhel to instead be Taldarin of the SC:BW custom map Ressurection IV. It opens up a personal relation between that character and Artanis, instead of simply being another face without a story (or a deep, complex one, at any rate). Not sure if I should yet, but it should be noted that many names in this book are not solidified. I went through four separate names before I settled on Ishtam's character.

Speaking of lore that is in conflict, there are a couple of things that I am doing that are technically incorrect. For example, I bumped up Fenix's age about another century (which puts his age at 497 during the events of Brood War). Without that little boost, he'd around 230 during the first few chapters, which means younger than Artanis during BW. That's a no-no. And technically Artanis only promoted to Praetor immediately before the Brood War. As it's already been seen, he's going to be the Executor by the time that Episode III begins.

As for scenario building, I will go back and modify the central warp nexus to better match that picture. It looks incredibly majestic: ironic that it leads to so many hellish locales.

[Visions of Khas]

If I seem to critical, please let me know, that's not my intent.


Okay. So I have to get this out here and now: I like the names of your protoss characters. So often protoss characters are given names vaguely latin or elvish-sounding. Thank you for avoiding that.


Now, I feel a lot of what I am about to say will come across as nit-picky. But for me, it's the attention to detail that matters.

I don't know if this was your intent. but as I was reading this I was strongly reminded of Heinlein's book Starship Troopers. This atmosphere started with the appearance of the Mentor in the beginning, teaching a class after having been maimed in battle. This feeling of an authoritarian, almost fascist state is subtle in a way that I enjoy. Clearly the Khala is, in principle, set up as being at the center of protoss belief, but the Conclave is placed first among equals in this social system and a due amount of fear and respect is afforded to them. The Headmaster and Zealot even acknowledge that simply talking about a certain subject is grounds for punishment; and mentioning peace keepers like their the protoss equivalent of Big Brother is kind of interesting; then several pages later bring to the reader's attention the hypocrisy of the Conclave; they openly observe protoss thoughts, but other protoss are barred from doing so "out of respect."

This draws me to your description of the Khala itself. I was hoping for something a little more... ethereal, I guess. I would expect Artanis having a more difficult time locating the Headmaster and Zealot as they conversed. It sounds like Artanis simply walked to the top of a mountain at night and looked out into a city, looking for the weakest set of lights. Is that all it took? He didn't have to project his awareness through space and time to look for them?

I'd just like if you were more descriptive on the subject. If all Artanis did was essentially "look out into the darkness of the night to behold twin flickering candles" or some such, well... if you follow this line of thought, does the Khala have its own topography? A "terrain", perhaps. Maybe the passage of individuals through the physical world influence the Khala itself in subtle ways. Maybe angry individuals appear like fire or a latticework of jagged light; trying to approach them either way would be a challenge, if not dangerous for your psyche. Maybe the physical landscape has some influence on the Khala? Are there areas in the real world that promote the conduction of the Khala, like leylines? Maybe certain substances actually hinder psychic communication, like stone or steel or certain ores.

Is the conversation happening right as Artanis is looking in on them? Perhaps they had just ended the conversation, and Artanis is "sneaking in" to "pick up the pieces", piecing together the emotions and content of their words from impressions in the Khala.

I guess what I'm getting at here is, don't be afraid to explore and create! If you have a vision of the Khala (no pun intended) then show us. If you don't, then sit back and really think, really imagine what's going on. Keep me enthralled in your writing and creativity!


On to the duel between Ishtam and Artanis.Your battle suffers from an amateur's perspective. This is no fault of yours. I guess this is just personal preference more than anything; so many writers, like R A Salvatore, write battle sequences all the time without any formal knowledge of how it blasted works, but never get called out for it.

A couple tips. (By the way, I'm not a formal combatant either but have some limited experience in a few things, and several friends who know a lot more than me.) When sizing up an opponent, you look at the center of their chest, not their eyes. This clues you in to that person's next move. If a person is about to move right, staring at their sternum -- and by extension their center of balance -- will alert you faster than staring into their eyes. It's pretty much a beacon that say, "Okay, Artanis, I'm going THIS way now! So WATCH out!"

What kind of blows is Ishtam throwing? Distracting attacks, vital jabs? Are they meant to send Artanis off balance or gauge his mood?



General Thoughts

Blade's given you some excellent advice so far. You need to be more careful with the way you describe a scene. For example, I found Artanis' impression of the Mentor a bit strange.

The Mentor was notorious for having such a rebellious style of dressing, a blend of his official

Zealot uniform and civilian outerwear. A large guard stretched from his stomach to around his neck,

extending to a maxinum of 8 inches. He wore his Templar-grade Zealot-class boots, and refused to don

any other. He also possessed abnormally large shoulder pads, with orbs mounted on the top. His clothing,

along with his manner, gave the impression that he would never have left the service of the Templar, had

it not been for his arms being lost in battle (which was concealed by a conveniently placed cape).

Now, there is some good and then there is some not-so-good. It's clear where the Mentor comes from; we're already allowed to let our imagination wander about his backstory. Just what the hell happened to his arms? His nerves? Why didn't he become a Dragoon?

The reason's simple: He has his own reasons. His own motives.

From the get-go you've established a stable feature in the story-telling landscape.

The description of his armor, however, is what threw me off. When I read a guard, I was thinking to myself, "Did two sentences get cobbled together some how? Does he mean a metal plate instead?" It took me a moment to come to realize it was the latter.

Well, if it's a gaurd... then what kind? Does it have any styling? Is it the golden hue of the sun, as befitting a Templar? Does it glint and glitter when it catches the light? Or is it a leather or leather-like gaurd. Is its weave intricate or plain and simple?

In response to Blade's critique, you admit it's difficult for you to describe what you see in your mind. When I read this, it seems like you may have typed a lot of this in a handful of sessions. Nothing wrong with that. I'd simply advise that you give yourself a break after writing, do something, and come back to it with fresh eyes and try to imagine someone else wrote it. This will let any errors become immediately evident. For example, in the prologue...

The darkness began to fade away, replaced by bright, low blue lights. As he regained

consciousness, he stretched his arms and his legs, before mentally initiating the shutdown sequence.

Slowly, the blue lights—panels, projections, scanners, neural interfaces, and the like—began to fade

away, being once again replaced with an eerie darkness, punctured only by an omnipresent shade of

bright blue.

Already we have inconsistency. In the first sentence, the lights are bright yet... low? In the last sentence, the light is dark yet... bright blue? Just a few things to keep in mind.

[topsecret221]

If I seem to critical, please let me know, that's not my intent.

Challenge accepted.

Okay. So I have to get this out here and now: I like the names of your protoss characters. So often protoss characters are given names vaguely latin or elvish-sounding. Thank you for avoiding that.

Thank you
I did specifically try to avoid Latin sounding names and stick with what felt "Protoss-y" based on previous canon characters: namely, the ones from vanilla and brood war.

I don't know if this was your intent. but as I was reading this I was strongly reminded of Heinlein's book Starship Troopers. This atmosphere started with the appearance of the Mentor in the beginning, teaching a class after having been maimed in battle. This feeling of an authoritarian, almost fascist state is subtle in a way that I enjoy. Clearly the Khala is, in principle, set up as being at the center of protoss belief, but the Conclave is placed first among equals in this social system and a due amount of fear and respect is afforded to them. The Headmaster and Zealot even acknowledge that simply talking about a certain subject is grounds for punishment; and mentioning peace keepers like their the protoss equivalent of Big Brother is kind of interesting; then several pages later bring to the reader's attention the hypocrisy of the Conclave; they openly observe protoss thoughts, but other protoss are barred from doing so "out of respect."

You know, I've always had a beef with English classes, because they try to examine every single aspect of what an author might have meant in their novel, what with symbolism and metaphors and the like. It's just kind of silly: most writers simply write because it's fun, and don't try to draw parallels to the Queen of England or the morality of religion.

That said, that is a very interesting parallel to draw, and while I very much enjoy the StarShip Troopers franchise, it was not my intention to draw that connection. They are very, very similar, though. Maybe I was influenced by it on a subconscious level, but I didn't have it on my mind as I wrote a lot of this stuff out.

This draws me to your description of the Khala itself. I was hoping for something a little more... ethereal, I guess. I would expect Artanis having a more difficult time locating the Headmaster and Zealot as they conversed. It sounds like Artanis simply walked to the top of a mountain at night and looked out into a city, looking for the weakest set of lights. Is that all it took? He didn't have to project his awareness through space and time to look for them?

I'd just like if you were more descriptive on the subject. If all Artanis did was essentially "look out into the darkness of the night to behold twin flickering candles" or some such, well... if you follow this line of thought, does the Khala have its own topography? A "terrain", perhaps. Maybe the passage of individuals through the physical world influence the Khala itself in subtle ways. Maybe angry individuals appear like fire or a latticework of jagged light; trying to approach them either way would be a challenge, if not dangerous for your psyche. Maybe the physical landscape has some influence on the Khala? Are there areas in the real world that promote the conduction of the Khala, like leylines? Maybe certain substances actually hinder psychic communication, like stone or steel or certain ores.

The Khala is always a difficult thing to write, just as the visual version of a novel is always difficult to illustrate: after reading through a book, certain places and people leave a specific impression on your mind, and the longer you go without the visual supplementary, the more your own vision of it sinks in (I had this particular problem with the Artemis Fowl series when I read the illustrated, comic book version of it). The Khala is never explained as more than a "nice feeling", which was the extent of its description in the DTS. This was from, of course, a human perspective. The Protoss perspective of the Khala would be much more engaging and welcoming, in my opinion, were it similar to one of those zen-meditation scenarios: The separation of mind and body. Since Protoss interact within the Khala together, there has to be some sort of plane that consciousnesses can gather and commune.

This plane is what makes the Khala so complex to imagine. It's sort of ethereal, subjective... realistically, some of a Protoss' individuality is probably expressed in the way one sees the Khala. This presents two problems: Artanis is not my character, and I don't know him well enough right now to be able to understand what he sees in it. I may go back and change it after the novel is complete: I'll probably have a little bit of insight into the main character's mind after 30 chapters of writing him :P.Secondly, if I go extremely in-depth explaining what it looks like, than it will solidify into the minds of readers that "Artanis's Khala is the definitive Khala." If I want to go back and then express the Khala through someone else's PoV, it will likely confuse some readers. I want to leave it as subjective as possible.

However, the last bit about "special materials" that disrupt the Khala... since the Khala can almost be seen as interdimensional, or at least a transcendence of our own plane of existence, those materials would stand out in real life and radiate some awesome power: pylons are giant-ass glowing floating rocks, and they amplify the Khala; any other materials would have to be similar. And, factoring in the unintentional themes of fascism, would not the trade, installation, and implementation of these objects be completely illegal? Why would the Conclave allow a material that lets them lose their control over their people. That's one of the reasons they disliked the Dark Templar so much: because they couldn't keep a close watch on them as they refused to enter the Khala.

Is the conversation happening right as Artanis is looking in on them? Perhaps they had just ended the conversation, and Artanis is "sneaking in" to "pick up the pieces", piecing together the emotions and content of their words from impressions in the Khala.

The point of my "we are being watched" line was supposed to (unknowingly) refer to Artanis listening in, not a reference to the secret police.

I guess what I'm getting at here is, don't be afraid to explore and create! If you have a vision of the Khala (no pun intended) then show us. If you don't, then sit back and really think, really imagine what's going on. Keep me enthralled in your writing and creativity!

Why thank you, I'm creative

On to the duel between Ishtam and Artanis.Your battle suffers from an amateur's perspective. This is no fault of yours. I guess this is just personal preference more than anything; so many writers, like R A Salvatore, write battle sequences all the time without any formal knowledge of how it blasted works, but never get called out for it.

I knew that someone would find faults like that. I'm just about set on the technology side of it, being obsessed with theoretical physics, and I have some of the politics down, but the hand to hand combat in the novel is most certainly going to suffer.

A couple tips. (By the way, I'm not a formal combatant either but have some limited experience in a few things, and several friends who know a lot more than me.) When sizing up an opponent, you look at the center of their chest, not their eyes. This clues you in to that person's next move. If a person is about to move right, staring at their sternum -- and by extension their center of balance -- will alert you faster than staring into their eyes. It's pretty much a beacon that say, "Okay, Artanis, I'm going THIS way now! So WATCH out!"

What kind of blows is Ishtam throwing? Distracting attacks, vital jabs? Are they meant to send Artanis off balance or gauge his mood?

I'll try to keep these in mind, and add a little more detail when I get around to it.

Now, there is some good and then there is some not-so-good. It's clear where the Mentor comes from; we're already allowed to let our imagination wander about his backstory. Just what the hell happened to his arms? His nerves? Why didn't he become a Dragoon?

The reason's simple: He has his own reasons. His own motives.

From the get-go you've established a stable feature in the story-telling landscape.

Yet another reason I considered turning the Mentor into Taldarin: the bigger fans of SC1 get to be all like "Ah-hah! I know what happened to him!", while it's a completely new character to everyone else.

The description of his armor, however, is what threw me off. When I read a guard, I was thinking to myself, "Did two sentences get cobbled together some how? Does he mean a metal plate instead?" It took me a moment to come to realize it was the latter.

Well, if it's a gaurd... then what kind? Does it have any styling? Is it the golden hue of the sun, as befitting a Templar? Does it glint and glitter when it catches the light? Or is it a leather or leather-like gaurd. Is its weave intricate or plain and simple?

Oh, yeah, I remember telling myself that was a bit confusing... Gotta go rework that.

In response to Blade's critique, you admit it's difficult for you to describe what you see in your mind. When I read this, it seems like you may have typed a lot of this in a handful of sessions. Nothing wrong with that. I'd simply advise that you give yourself a break after writing, do something, and come back to it with fresh eyes and try to imagine someone else wrote it. This will let any errors become immediately evident. For example, in the prologue...



Already we have inconsistency. In the first sentence, the lights are bright yet... low? In the last sentence, the light is dark yet... bright blue? Just a few things to keep in mind.

I had intended that the bright blue glow was from the glow of his eyes. I established that later on in chapter one, but it's probably pointless in the prologue, huh?

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Visions of Khas]

However, the last bit about "special materials" that disrupt the Khala... since the Khala can almost be seen as interdimensional, or at least a transcendence of our own plane of existence, those materials would stand out in real life and radiate some awesome power: pylons are giant-ass glowing floating rocks, and they amplify the Khala; any other materials would have to be similar. And, factoring in the unintentional themes of fascism, would not the trade, installation, and implementation of these objects be completely illegal? Why would the Conclave allow a material that lets them lose their control over their people. That's one of the reasons they disliked the Dark Templar so much: because they couldn't keep a close watch on them as they refused to enter the Khala.

Holy shit! Protoss black market! Do it!

People say that Protoss are all unified, of one mind. If that were true the Dark Templar would never have splintered from the herd. I have no doubt that almost all Protoss have a sense of honor, but how that manifests itself, how it is structured, is going to very from one individual to the next. And this is something I hope you realize in your novel; Protoss are individuals, too. They aren't one archetypal warrior-poet persona copied ad infinitum. (I'm not saying you're doing this, it's just something I've noticed with a lot of fanfics.) Some of them will deviate from what the rest think is "right".

Now, talking about your descriptions of an ethereal Khala/parallel psychic world... have you ever read William Gibson's Neuromancer? It does an amazing job of taking the reader through an abstract world in vivid detail; everything is off yet made to appear so natural. I think reading it might help give you some insight when trying to describe things like this. (It's also one of my favorite novels, besides!)

You know, I've always had a beef with English classes, because they try to examine every single aspect of what an author might have meant in their novel, what with symbolism and metaphors and the like. It's just kind of silly: most writers simply write because it's fun, and don't try to draw parallels to the Queen of England or the morality of religion.

And that's the exact reason I loved lit classes. I loved the interpretation.

A book is a lot like a piece of art. Once that thing is done and out to be viewed by the public, it's no longer yours. People impress upon it what they see, what they think. It actually becomes a little self-obsessive after a while, to be honest.

Now, some people do this and make a career out of it. They are called critics and editors. For the rest of us, we take those perspectives and use them in our own work, pulling upon resources we see in other people's work and making it our own as part of a collaborative, creative process. And that's why I like lit.

[topsecret221]

For anyone interested, I have edited the first two chapters and started on the 3rd as of today. If you are interested in what I have, feel free to message me.