Review of StarCraft and Brood War (a Negative Look)

[solidsamurai]

I rip apart one of my favourite games!
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Well, okay, there's three things I will cover in this review. Sound, gameplay, and story. I will not cover multiplayer, because I aspire to be like Yatzhee Croshaw (*cough*), and in the absence of having his babies, I will declare that a game must depend entirely on its singleplayer as opposed to the multiplayer aspect!

StarCraft

Sound

So I start the game, and I'm playing terran. And I just want to move my guys, right? And I'm moving my guys, and I gotta listen to the voices over and over and over...

Yeah, so, they make up for it by having a humorous dialogue thing when you click on them multiple times. But there's only one, so I have to hear that over and over if I wanna get any entertainment out of this thing.

The SCV's voice is friggin' annoying. "Yes sir?" "Roger that!"

He even picks his nose. It's so unecessary, and I gotta look at this every now and then.

AS for the music, it's... it's intense. A little too intense. It gives me heart pangs. Palpitations. Ouch.

Everytime a zergling attacks, oh god. Boom. Boom. Thud. Boom. It's acting up again!

Maybe I should turn down the sound. But sound is a key element of this game! If I have to turn it down even a notch, the score of this review is getting turned down a notch! Okay?

Blizzard put too much effort into the musical score. They cranked every nuance they could out of the shitty music conversion of the day. They wasted so much money! Such a bad business decision. Dammit, I'm docking points for that too.

Why the fuck does this remind me of warhammer?! Take that StarCraft! Your intense heart palpitating terran music is getting taken off. Bad. Terrible.

I already got an idea of how this is going down, and the ideas behind the team that composed and produce this overly intense shit fest. I just wanna play a game and have fun, I don't need panic attacks! And I sure as hell don't need to play ahead.

Jesus christ, I gotta do gameplay too?

Gameplay

The ghost is the only terran unit that can walk across a thin catwalk properly. And why do my guys die so fast? Why do my guys retardedly follow the enemy until they get killed? How am I supposed to consolidate my guys...

What the hell am I doing wrong? Is that such a hard question to ask?

I set up a custom game against the CPU, and the AI is absolute balls. They suck. I can just mass firebats against protoss, zerg and terran - and it works everytime! This game is shoddy!

Story

Well I forgot about story. I kinda skipped through it because the plot and dialogue was boring enough to warrant it. I don't wanna play through it again, and so I won't. The end!

Review over. I hope you guys trust my opinion of these things, so that you'll know in the future to avoid purchasing a game that was produced 14 years ago.

[Sheliek]

In retrospect, I really shouldn't have bought SC:BW.

A second time, because Blizzard discs explode on occasion.

[Turalyon]

I get like this too when I'm bored...