The Wings of Liberty Project

It's one thing to say that something can be done better. It's another thing to prove it. Back when WOL just came out, we were dishing out a lot of feedback, and there was the heaps of praise and the heaps of complaints, but over-all it was pretty balanced. But as they say, people who are happy have no reason to say anything, so as time passed everyone who's perfectly satisfied has gone away to keep playing their game, and the only people left are those who have a bone to pick. I don't think that creates a good environment for fostering productive, constructive criticism, so I decided to go a little bit above and beyond the norm. I decided to rewrite Wings of Liberty.

First, some of my goals:

-Utilize missions for more than fun gameplay and basic plot progression.

I can think of five WOL missions that have genuinely unpredictable moments -- out of 25! (For anyone who's keeping track, I'm talking about Cutthroat, The Moebius Factor, Gates of Hell, A Sinister Turn, and Echoes of the Future) Think of WC3: Arthas kills Muradin and the mission takes a completely different turn. Maiev watches Tyrande float away downriver and the mission takes a completely different turn. Over and over. In WOL, every single other mission involves a Briefing where the player is told what will happen, and then a mission where the player executes the plan from the Briefing. In effect, the missions are entirely skippable filler (despite being as enjoyable as they are). Character development takes place entirely off-mission. I want to show that not taking advantage of in-mission events to cause conflict and development is a mistake.

-Provide a sense of scale and demonstrate the full extent of the war.

This is apparently the "Second Great War" we're fighting, but the only mission that feels remotely like it, outside of the ones set on Char, is The Moebius Factor. Which is strange in and of itself given that Raynor shouldn't have an army big enough to fight a war yet. I want to show that, despite the fact that Raynor is only engaging in guerilla tactics, there is a massive war effort going on all around him. That means going out of your way to remind players about it all the time.

-Portray Kerrigan and the Dominion as credible, fearsome antagonists, and emphasize the small scale of Raynor's guerilla warfare.

Part of the problem with predictable mission design is that you feel like you're always winning. If the objective doesn't change, you go in knowing what you need to do, and you come out having succeeded in that. It inadvertently makes the player character seem omnipotent, and the antagonists weak and incompetent. I want to show that it's necessary to go out of your way to show just how credible an antagonist is, so that the stakes feel appropriately high.

-Make every side-story feed into the primary story in a meaningful way.

Not only did WOL feature a whole slew of side plots (Hanson, Tosh) that went nowhere, it had two separate main stories (Mengsk, Kerrigan) that weren't even that well connected. My goal is to demonstrate how easy it is to weave these plot strands together and use the time allotted to each character's development wisely.

-Force Raynor and the other characters into situations where their morals are put to the test.

A WOL cinematic, "Who We Choose To Be" has Matt admonishing Raynor for drinking heavily as of late. He implies that the drinking has affected Raynor's judgment. First, we haven't seen any of the drinking. Second, Raynor hasn't made any bad calls, which means Matt is just being a dick. There's nothing wrong with a protagonist who makes mistakes because he's forced to act with no time to consider all the implications of his actions. But if he's wrong, he should be wrong, and there should be consequences for it. If Raynor is drinking on the job, somebody should lose their life over it. He should be drunk when he talks to Selendis, making her think twice about respecting his opinion (and him) over Haven's fate. Otherwise, it's just a lot of movement on the same spot.

To make this exercise have some measure of value (so it isn't pure fanwank), I decided to restrict my abilities in re-writing the campaign. My rationale here is, the more things I change, the easier it is to say "well sure you could make a fantasy campaign that's perfect, but under the conditions for WOL that just wasn't possible." My goal is to show that it WAS possible, so I will make as few fundamental changes as possible. Here are some of the restrictions:

-Missions must introduce new units.

Blizzard obviously set "fun gameplay" as a top priority, so I won't compromise that. Every mission (with a few exceptions, just like WOL 1.0) will introduce a brand new unit and will feature some gameplay element tailored to it.

-Same number of missions and cinematics.

Pretty obvious here, yeah the campaign could be better if only we had a trillion cinematics, but that's not realistic. Going under isn't really a danger, but going over is, and I'll make sure not to do that.

-No subtractions from the plot, only additions.

This is the big one. The really big one. I can't just cut Hanson because I think she's taking up time we'd rather spend with Valerian. I have to find a way to make her story meaningful, rather than sidestep the issue completely. This is just to emphasize that the tools to create a superior campaign were already available to Blizzard. The other side of this is... you guessed it, if the original had a Prophecy in it, so will mine. Yeah. Sucks. I know. But, first of all, I have no idea how important a role the Prophecy (or Plot_Device_234) will be in upcoming expansions, so I can't just nix something that's absolutely essential to what's around the corner. Second, and more importantly, I'm not here to tell the story of my SC2. I'm here to tell the story of Blizzard's SC2... hopefully, better. So Galaxy-consuming evils are still in, Prophecies are still in, Kerrigan's deinfestation is still in. If Mengsk didn't die in Blizzard's WOL, he can't die in mine.

-No switching the focus off of Raynor.

It's tempting to say that "if only we'd had more face time with important characters as opposed to nobodies like Stettman and Graven Hill, the campaign would have been so much better!" It might even be accurate. But, as above, it wouldn't be Blizzard's WOL campaign. I'm here to show how little (of the RIGHT KIND of) work it takes to do what they were trying to do right. Not to prove that what they were trying to do was wrong to begin with. (Although this is in some respects true, and I'll be following up this re-write with an analysis of flaws I've found to be inherent to WOL's fundamental concepts.)

The one thing you might note is suspiciously absent from this list of restrictions is sticking to the "choose your own destiny" approach to campaign design. Because that is the one and only thing I am doing away with completely. There's no getting around it, Blizzard screwed this bit up real bad. If you want player choice, you have to find a way to make the story feel dynamic (as opposed to WOL's characters running in circles from one plot to the next), you have to find a way to make characters develop, you have to find a way to keep the stakes high, you have to find a way to make the choices seem meaningful as opposed to "choice for the sake of choice." It's a big headache, and I'm going to work with a strictly linear narrative. You can see now why I'm so hesitant to not work with restrictions. "Well OF COURSE you can make a great campaign without player choice, anyone can do that," just comes immediately to mind, doesn't it? Thankfully, that's not entirely true in this case. Even if we imagine a fully linear, good campaign, with all that that implies, at best that can only hope to auto-solves my goals 4 and 5. 1, 2, and 3 are not affected in the slightest, and they are just as (if not more) important to what I've set out to do.

Naturally, feedback of all sorts is welcome. It's not going to be perfect, it's not even going to be perfectly consistent with the goals I set out for myself. But I'm just one guy writing this over a couple of evenings. I don't get paid to spend months thinking about it. The point isn't to say "this is the best thing ever," it's to showcase a lot of subtler changes and to view WOL's successes, and failures, through their lens.

SECTION ONE

Cinematic 1: THE DEAL

Tychus suits up with Mengsk voice-over. "Hell, it's about time."

Cinematic 2: PUBLIC ENEMY

Raynor reminisces over Kerrigan’s photo in Joeyray’s Bar. On the news, Mengsk proclaims that Raynor is a wanted fugitive and a terrorist. The interview is interrupted by a live broadcast wherein Mengsk states that Backwater Station and all other Mar Saran colonies are under martial law starting immediately and that citizens are under strict orders to obey the commands of Dominion personnel “for their own security.” Raynor is incensed by Mengsk’s unprovoked hostility and decides to stage his come-back.

Mission 1: LIBERATION DAY

Objective: Rescue civilians from Dominion occupation.

Logistics: Raynor vs. Mengsk’s Dominion on Mar Sara. Tech: Marine.

Story: Raynor discovers that civilians all across Backwater Station are being forced to perform manual labor for the Dominion (ie, carrying supplies) and herded into Dropships against their will. Mengsk holograms appear throughout to remind citizens to follow instructions of Dominion personnel and other sorts of propaganda. One confronts Raynor, saying that Raynor doesn’t know what he’s getting involved in and should back down. Raynor promptly shoots it in the face. He successfully rescues civilians and drives the Dominion back.

Result: Dominion outpost destroyed, Dominion personnel (dropships) chased off, civilians rescued.

Cinematic 3: OLD TIMES

Tychus appears in Joeyray’s Bar and informs Raynor that the reason the Dominion has instituted martial law is to assist with the recovery of an alien artifact they uncovered. Tychus’s employers gave him the location of said artifact, giving the two an opportunity to make some cash to fund Raynor’s revolution while hitting Mengsk where it hurts. Raynor agrees.

Campaign: JOEYRAY’s BAR

Mission 2: THE OUTLAWS

Objective: Liberate alien artifact.

Logistics: Raynor and Tychus vs. Gaskerville’s Dominion on Mar Sara. Tech: Medic.

Story: The Dominion is setting up a surprisingly fortified outpost around the artifact and an immediate frontal assault is the Raiders’ only chance of getting their hands on it. Even more surprisingly, Mengsk has actually dispatched one of his generals to oversee the excavation, and even more Dominion ships are en route forcing them to act quickly. Raynor becomes suspicious of what Tychus has gotten him involved with, but can’t say no to a chance to hurt Mengsk, and they steal the artifact. Gaskerville begins to herd all nearby civilians into dropships and leaves the planet.

Result: Artifact stolen, Dominion personnel chased off.

Campaign: JOEYRAY’s BAR

Mission 3: ZERO HOUR

Objective: Rescue civilians and hold out for 30 minutes.

Logistics: Raynor and Tychus vs. Zerg on Mar Sara. Tech: Vulture.

Story: The Zerg begin their invasion of Mar Sara. Raynor puts two and two together and realizes that Mengsk was preparing for the invasion, and was actually attempting to evacuate the population of Mar Sara before it commenced. Tychus points out that all the civilians the Raiders ‘rescued’ have no way of getting off-world. Oops. Raynor is understandably angry with himself over the situation. He now has to rescue them all over again and bring them to his fortified outpost, although he can’t possibly cover farther outposts and he knows it. Civilians are going to end up dead and there’s nothing he can do. As the Zerg attack, he discovers that the artifact can actually keep them at bay, but not in a large enough area to keep his whole base safe or go on a meaningful offensive. The player can relocate the artifact as he or she wishes to keep advancing Zerg back, or help him in rescuing civilians all over the map.

Result: Matt saves the day, but not everyone is taken off the planet before the Zerg overrun it.

Cinematic 4: ESCAPE FROM MAR SARA

The Hyperion arrives in the nick of time to fetch Raynor and Tychus, and warps out of orbit. Raynor is helping Mar Saran refugees settle in on-board when Matt tears him away to show the newsreels demonstrating a number of attacks taking place at the same time all across the Dominion, but focusing on very particular planets (ie Mar Sara). Raynor asks if Tychus is aware of artifacts on other planets, but Tychus says the Moebius Foundation doesn’t give him information ahead of time, so he knows as little as Raynor.

Campaign: HYPERION

Rory Swann expresses his concern about the Hyperion being able to house so many civilians and there being enough supplies for everybody. He suggests finding a place to settle them all quickly.

Raynor picks up a distress call from Dr. Ariel Hanson on Agria, saying that they are under attack. Raynor asks why they haven’t been evacuated already, but Hanson replies that the Dominion abandoned them to their fates. Raynor isn’t surprised that Mengsk’s good-will had an expiry date after all.

Mission 4: THE EVACUATION

Objective: Escort Agrian civilians to dropships.

Logistics: Raiders vs. Zerg on Agria. Tech: Firebat.

Story: With the evacuation well in progress, Matt informs Raynor that a nearby distress beacon has gone off from a fleet of Dominion ships under heavy attack by the Zerg. He suggests that they leave some troops on Agria and see if they can’t save the Dominion fleet in exchange for their siding with the Raiders. Raynor hesitates but says that Hanson might need their help. Matt tries to explain that they can easily cover both tasks and he thinks Raynor’s judgment is clouded, but Raynor becomes agitated and says that they won’t leave anyone behind. Matt is forced to agree reluctantly.

Result: Agrians evacuated safely.

Campaign: HYPERION

Raynor discovers that evacuations of nearby worlds are still taking place, and that’s what the Dominion fleet was attempting to assist with. He asks Ariel if she knows why Mengsk would want to leave only Agria to its fate, but she has no idea.

Swann approaches Raynor on pretense of being fussed over even more refugees aboard the Hyperion, but also tells Raynor he thinks that they could have hit the Dominion ships hard and fast and gotten a ton of supplies to keep their army going, if nothing else. Raynor gives the typical “lives need saving” speech, but Swann says that that’ll always be true, and the fastest way to save the most lives is to depose Mengsk. He tells Raynor to get his priorities straight. Raynor agrees and promises to settle the refugees ASAP.

Raynor begins to settle the refugees on Meinhoff. Ariel tells him that she thinks they could use her expertise aboard the Hyperion, but Raynor says that her people will need her guidance more. Before the Hyperion has had a chance to leave orbit, they receive a distress call from the planet’s surface, saying that an infestation has broken out.

Mission 5: OUTBREAK

Objective: Destroy the infestation. Later, rescue incoming Dropships.

Logistics: Raiders vs. Zerg on Meinhoff. Tech: Marauder.

Story: Raynor establishes an outpost in the middle of a city and begins to assault the outlying Zerg bases. Swann explains that there’s absolutely no way the Raiders can house all of the refugees from both Agria and Meinhoff, but Raynor says he’s got it covered. He sets up a quarantine area, and has already called in some special favors, and a bunch of NPC Dropships appear all over the map to help with the evacuation. Swann is outraged that Raynor’s throwing away more resources when the Hyperion is running on fumes as it is, but Raynor tells him they’ll sort it out when the mission is done. Packs of Marauders with Concussive Shells are used to keep the constantly appearing Dropships safe while they lower to pick up civilians. Hanson explains that she might be of some assistance. When Raynor says he doesn’t understand, she tells him that she did some research on infestation for the Dominion, and will tell him the whole story when they’re done. Eventually she says that she has some bad news. The tests are complete and some are positive for the hyperevolutionary virus.

Result: Most of the civilians rescued and ferried off-world in Dropships. Some of those rescued infected.

CINEMATIC 5: Infected

Raynor and Hanson meet in front of a plexi-glass window that shows a number of civilians who look perfectly healthy and are pleading to be released. Raynor asks if Hanson is absolutely certain that they are infected. Hanson explains that she has been doing research on infestation and deinfestation for Mengsk for a number of years, because Mengsk’s dream was to find a weapon with which to kill Kerrigan. But when Hanson wasn’t able to give him what he wanted (because there is no cure for infestation), combined with him finding the artifacts, she was quietly “let go.” She thinks that Mengsk abandoned her on Agria out of spite. She tells Raynor that she’s sorry she hasn’t been completely honest with him, and that these civilians are indeed 100% infected. She repeats that there is no cure, but Raynor cuts her off bitterly, saying he’s well aware of the fact. He very reluctantly orders for them to be put down.

Campaign: HYPERION

Tychus informs Raynor that he’s just received information about another artifact, this one on the Dominion world Tyrador XII which is under heavy attack by the Zerg. Raynor suggests using the artifacts against the Zerg, but Tychus reminds him that the Moebius Foundation likely means to do just that, and giving the artifacts up will both net Raynor the money he needs and allow him to stay true to his word on fighting Mengsk.

When Swann scolds Raynor for throwing away so many supplies for no reason other than to taxi some civilians from one planet to another and back again, Raynor promises that when they get their hands on this second artifact, Raynor will sell both and make good on his promises to pay them.

Mission 6: SMASH AND GRAB

Objective: Weaken the warring Dominion and Zerg bases and liberate the second artifact.

Logistics: Raiders vs. Warfield’s Dominion vs. Zerg on Tyrador XII. Tech: Siege Tank.

Story: The Zerg are laying siege to a Dominion fortress on Tyrador VII, which they’ve had trouble breaking because of it size and especially because Warfield has been using his artifact in strategic offensive pushes that the Zerg are helpless to repel. Although Warfield’s assault troops are well protected against the Zerg, Raynor realizes that they would be vulnerable to an attack by a Terran army. Meanwhile, he is using his artifact defensively. Matt questions the worth of sabotaging an entire Dominion outpost with plenty of soldiers who are simply doing the right thing (fighting evil killer aliens) just to get their hands on some money, but Raynor explains that without taking advantage of this chaos and instability, they’ll never have enough momentum on their side to overthrow Mengsk. Raynor’s raiding party retrieves the artifact from the Dominion, but Kerrigan ambushes them – seemingly unaffected by it – and steals it for herself. But not before waving hello.

Result: Raynor is forced to flee with just his artifact, Kerrigan has the second and overruns both bases easily as Warfield also evacuates.

Campaign: HYPERION

Raynor is visibly affected by Kerrigan’s re-appearance.

Matt receives a transmission from Gabriel Tosh who is interested in brokering a deal that will fill up the Raiders’ coffers. Raynor agrees to hear Tosh out if Tosh is willing to come down in person. Tosh agrees.

CINEMATIC 6: The Mutiny

Raynor walks into the Cargo Bay to find Tychus, Swann, and a bunch of Marines liberating some of the remaining refugees’ belongings. When Raynor confronts them about this, Swann explains (honestly) that the civilians are OK with giving up their possessions in exchange for everything Raynor’s done for them. He points to a TV screen that shows the Raiders sabotaging the Dominion’s war efforts and says they just lost face with the entire public with absolutely nothing to show for it; with no artifact and so many expenses they have to find SOME way to recuperate their lost supplies. Raynor is outraged and says that Swann had no right to ask this of innocent people, and tells him to hand everything back. Tychus doesn’t care and sides with Raynor. Swann takes a stand, the confrontation gets physical on impulse and, to Swann’s dismay, the other Marines open fire. Tychus and Raynor barely get out alive.

Mission 7: COUNTERREVOLUTION

Objective: Subdue the mutineers. Later, use Tosh to do so covertly.

Logistics: Raynor, Tychus, and Matt’s Raiders, and Tosh vs. Swann’s Raiders aboard the Hyperion. Tech: None.

Story: Swann, in control of the bridge, sends out ship-wide broadcasts saying that nobody needs to be hurt, all that needs to happen is Matt stepping down as Captain of the Hyperion. He says that Raynor’s priorities have been completely wrong ever since the Zerg invasion. Matt suggests acquiescing, but Raynor thinks that if they can just arm the prisoner-refugees (including Hanson) that some of Swann’s forces have on lockdown, they’ll have a vast numerical advantage. However, Swann threatens to harm the refugees and Raynor’s hands are tied behind his back. Matt intercepts an incoming transmission and is able to listen in: Tosh’s ship is somehow already next to the Hyperion, but when Swann tells him that he’s acting captain, Tosh says that he won’t speak to anyone but Raynor. Swann orders Tosh to come aboard the Hyperion or the Hyperion will open fire, at which point Tosh agrees. However, once the ship appears in the cargo bay, Tosh is nowhere in sight. At this point he contacts Raynor via telepathic link and Raynor asks for help. Tosh becomes a controllable hero on the other side of the map, and the two parties must overcome certain obstacles independently and others through combined efforts.

Result: Swann and his mutinous officers are apprehended alive.

CINEMATIC 7: No Prisoners

Raynor is holding the mutineers in the brig. He, Matt and Tosh arrive to look on Swann and the other prisoners. He thanks Tosh for his timely assistance but laments ironically that Swann was right, and that they’ve run out of supplies. With the crew cut in half by this mutiny, there’s absolutely no way they can continue their guerilla efforts. Tosh reminds Raynor that he came with a business proposition, but Raynor explains that even so, there’s neither room nor staff nor supplies to be wasted on useless bodies. Tosh understands immediately, saying that the mutineers deserve to die for their disloyalty. Matt tells Tosh that he has no idea what he’s talking about and that Raynor would never do that. Instead, they’ll simply drop them off on some nearby world, along with the refugees, and bid them adios. Raynor considers this for a moment but tells Swann that instead he’s going to pardon them all, and, starting now, he’s going to be having nothing but Mengsk shake with a side-order of Dominion fries. Swann is shocked to hear this, Tosh smiles and nods, and Matt frowns disapprovingly.

Campaign: HYPERION

Tosh explains that he is a Ghost, and that he came to Raynor specifically because he knew of Raynor’s hatred for Mengsk, and that the two have that in common. He says that a bunch of his men were left behind after an operation went south on the Dominion mining world Redstone. He needs Raynor’s help in retrieving them and will provide the locations of numerous rich mines to pillage to make it worth Raynor’s while. When Raynor expresses his reluctance in light of the promise he made to Swann, Tosh tells Raynor that his men were on Redstone gathering intel on Dominion schematics and plans, and he’ll be happy to share that to sweeten the pot. That, and of course Raynor will be hitting a Dominion outpost directly.

Mission 8: THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND

Objective: Rescue Tosh’s Ghosts and amass a fortune.

Logistics: Tosh’s Raiders vs. Gaskerville’s Dominion on Redstone. Tech: Medivacs.

Story: Tosh’s men are spread out across the lava-filled map, forcing Raynor to make extensive use of Medivacs to retrieve them and allow them to keep Gaskerville’s forces busy while Raynor grabs all the ore he can get his hands on. When most of Tosh’s Ghosts have been secured, he grabs a couple and heads off toward one corner of the Dominion facility, despite Raynor’s objections and protestations. By this time, Gaskerville’s put together a threatening counter-attack that’s forcing Raynor to pull further and further back. Matt says that either Tosh was leading the Raiders into a trap deliberately, or will get them all killed by accident, and that every minute they waste waiting is a minute Gaskerville has to take back more and more of the resources they’ve stolen from their outlying expansions.

Result: Some of Tosh’s men rescued and some Dominion goods pillaged, but the Raiders are forced to retreat.

END OF SECTION ONE

Section two under construction. Section one open to feedback.

Hey man,

This is GREAT! I strongly urge you to finish the whole campaign. My favorite was the mutiny mission on the Hyperion. Several suggestions:

1. In some cases where the changes are very minor, you may want to underline them, so people who may not remember the campaign in great detail would not be in any way confused.

2. This is me being forgetful about the campaign I guess, but does Raynor know that artifacts can be used against the zerg so soon into the campaign?

3. As I posted elsewhere, I'm a big fan of taking advantage of the new Story Forum on Battle.net as it claims to be intended for Blizzard writers to hear the fans. A player/moderator nicknamed Sixen has actually been responding to posts here and there on that forum. So, when you're done writing and editing, I would strongly recommend posting a copy there. Will it work? We never know, but there is probably more of a chance of them seeing it there than if we only leave it here.

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Originally Posted by RussianSpy27

1. In some cases where the changes are very minor, you may want to underline them, so people who may not remember the campaign in great detail would not be in any way confused.

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I'll see what I can do, thanks. This will be tricky because a lot of the changes are quite minor.

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2. This is me being forgetful about the campaign I guess, but does Raynor know that artifacts can be used against the zerg so soon into the campaign?

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No. In fact, in WOL as-is the artifact is useless against the Zerg until it's completely assembled. My version begins working (with a smaller effect) right away, just because I figured that would be more dynamic.

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3. As I posted elsewhere, I'm a big fan of taking advantage of the new Story Forum on Battle.net as it claims to be intended for Blizzard writers to hear the fans. A player/moderator nicknamed Sixen has actually been responding to posts here and there on that forum. So, when you're done writing and editing, I would strongly recommend posting a copy there. Will it work? We never know, but there is probably more of a chance of them seeing it there than if we only leave it here.

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I remember your first suggestion to do so, and I will as soon as this is complete (or may take it there in parts, as well). :)

This is great. Do you plan to bring protoss ennemies soon? Will the Tal'Darim be in your campaign? Also, will you include other Terran factions such as the Kel-morians or the Umojans, as allies or enemies?

Question: If Tychus was working for Mengsk, how did he get involved with the Mobius Foundation? Or is he really involved with the Mobius Foundation?

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Originally Posted by abitibi

Do you plan to bring protoss ennemies soon?

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Not yet. I'm going to count on my supposition that quality will trump quantity and hope that I'm vindicated.

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Will the Tal'Darim be in your campaign?

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They were in the original, so I don't really have much choice. I'm not sure I'll be able to do them justice with a MEANINGFUL arc, but if they need to be set up for HOTS and LOTV, at the very least I'll have done that.

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Also, will you include other Terran factions such as the Kel-morians or the Umojans, as allies or enemies?

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I won't. The challenge of focusing on as many distinct personalities as Blizzard settled on with WOL (Tychus, Hanson, Tosh) makes it very difficult to branch out to even more plot points without tacking on more and more missions. That, and I don't really want to invent things whole-sale. Although I've always been interested in the relationship Raynor would have with factions who most assuredly want to see Mengsk dethroned just as badly as he does, it's just too much of a detour.

The next section, compared to WOL as-is, should bring more Dominion politics, more Tychus, more Tosh, more Nova... and, eventually, more Selendis and more Zeratul.

the mutiny part doesn't make sense, not over a thing like that
if you fix that with the Kel-Morian - refugees or other fraction's conflict then it might be a cause to start the riot

if you need any help with plot ideas than i am here

So suddenly Swann which to me was proven to be one of the most loyal men to Raynor goes to a mutiny? I don't like that part at all.

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Originally Posted by GnaReffotsirk

Question: If Tychus was working for Mengsk, how did he get involved with the Mobius Foundation? Or is he really involved with the Mobius Foundation?

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I'm actually still working out the logistics on this. It'll be dealt with in Section Two (and pretty early at that) so this is at the top of my list at the moment.

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Originally Posted by spychi

the mutiny part doesn't make sense,. not over a thing like that
if you fix that with the Kel-Morian - refugees or other fraction's conflict then it might be a cause to start the riot

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My intent with the mutiny was to emphasize that it wasn't planned out in advance, it just happened by accident over too many little things coming together at the same time, and before Swann realized it he was swept up in a current where the best he could hope to do was probably talk Raynor down over the radio. If it had been thought out, it would be a lot more difficult to justify Raynor trusting Swann around his ship after that.

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Originally Posted by Twilice

So suddenly Swann which to me was proven to be one of the most loyal men to Raynor goes to a mutiny? I don't like that part at all.

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I was waiting for this to come up, because I happen to love Swann, too. The real problem here is efficiency... or, as Mr. Peasant would say, the law of conservation of detail.

Let's grant for just the moment that we absolutely MUST have a mutiny aboard the Hyperion at some point in the campaign. If the antagonist isn't a character we care about, we're just not going to care as viewers/players. That leaves... Matt, Tychus, Hanson, Tosh, and Swann as potential mutineers. I don't want Matt to mutiny because that will feel like too much of a rehash of Rebel Yell (young captain rebels against vengeance-driven older commander). Tychus and Hanson don't really have the influence you'd need to pull something like that off. That leaves Tosh, and Tosh has too much facetime in my WOL as it is. That, and I don't really have a story for Swann. And any time you don't have a story for a character, that character isn't pulling their weight. It felt like a natural fit from that angle.

The other angle is, of course, I don't want to lose what Swann brings to the campaign. But I don't intend to. There's a saying that the deepest bonds of respect and loyalty can only come out of conflict and hardship. As opposed to having Swann say, "Oh yeah, thanks for saving our asses on Meinhoff that one time," I want him to feel that grateful over something that the player can see. That way his loyalty to Raynor becomes understandable. We just saw this guy, who had every right to do away with these mutineers, save all of their lives and apologize to them. That takes guts. He's worth respecting. So from this point on, Swann is very much the Swann you came to know and love in WOL -- albeit, in my opinion, with a more compelling reason to be that way.

Twilice has a point, a misunderstanding yes but not a mutiny with Swann in the lead

I wouldn't make that a part of the plot told , because this is exactly what Blizzard did, the plot connection didn't make sense
what I would recommend is to:
1. Change character lines
2. Change/Add fractions in missions, which you did
3. Other than that, stick with the mission quests with a little polish to the sense of Raynor's motives

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Originally Posted by spychi

Twilice has a point, a misunderstanding yes but not a mutiny with Swann in the lead

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Well, let's see the list of grievances so far:
-Raynor's running low on supplies.
-Raynor's priorities turn upside down the moment the Zerg show up and he forgets all about the rebellion just so he can save Hanson to make up for not saving Kerrigan.
-Raynor uses everything the Raiders have left to ferry refugees around, and even calls in special favors (that could be used in their fight vs. Mengsk) to do so.
-Raynor loses the second artifact (which he was promising to sell) and makes the Raiders look like total bad guys in the public's eyes as he does it.

This isn't enough for a guy like Swann to tell Raynor to put down his revolver and get his ass into the brig, but it is enough for a situation to come up that can easily spiral out of control, and that's exactly what happened here.

That said, I'm considering adding a little bit more drama to the "spiraling out of control" part to really make Swann feel like he has no choice but to continue with the mutiny once it's begun.

well i must admit I didn't get to those points
so yeah explained and makes sense

Interesting - SC:L is working on a bit review of the SP (hope to have it finished soon). We're likely to point to this as an example of what can be done to give it a bit more exposure - we reach hundreds of thousands and Blizz will more than likely see it as well :D

Also, I'm a bit skeptical of the new story forum on bnet - we'll see how it pans out - Blizz is notorious for starting things and then taking forever to do anything with them. I know Sixen and as an MVP he is helpful - but remember, he doesn't work for Blizz and he doesn't talk to them any more than another site leader - don't take his voice as the gospel any more than you would mine or AJ's.

<3

~LoA

Very, VERY impressed with what you've done so far, Wasted. Especially since a good number of the missions are essentially the same concept-wise to what Blizzard actually included in WoL - just, with a different context and stronger connection to the developing story. Indeed, this just goes to show that by having a linear mission order (and thereby more predictable sequence of events), the story in WoL could be told in a fashion that actually makes sense and with actual plot progression over the course of the story rather than purely at the start and end.


Also, LOL at the 'conservation of detail' reference. That said, I definitely agree that if a named character doesn't contribute to a story, said character isn't pulling his/her weight.

As for other possible candidates for mutineers, there's always good ol' Stetmann... :D

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Originally Posted by spychi

well i must admit I didn't get to those points
so yeah explained and makes sense

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Excellent, thanks for telling me.

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Originally Posted by LordofAscension

Interesting - SC:L is working on a bit review of the SP (hope to have it finished soon). We're likely to point to this as an example of what can be done to give it a bit more exposure - we reach hundreds of thousands and Blizz will more than likely see it as well :D

<3

~LoA

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Thanks much. Looking forward to your review. :D

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Originally Posted by mr. peasant

Very, VERY impressed with what you've done so far, Wasted. Especially since a good number of the missions are essentially the same concept-wise to what Blizzard actually included in WoL - just, with a different context and stronger connection to the developing story.

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Absolutely. I think Smash and Grab might be the best individual example of the "subtle change" versus "sweeping revision" philosophy at work. Blizz gave us the premise of "three sides duke it out over possession of the artifact," and all I did was re-arrange the pieces. We don't have enough big war type scenarios in the game? Then let's make the Raiders pull this heist from right under a gigantic war. We have too many lame, generic Tal'darim antagonists? Then let's make the antagonist an established character (Warfield) whose credibility we can build up with a memorable early appearance. We have too many missions where Raynor succeeds and Kerrigan fails? All right, let's make him fail this mission in the most horrendous way imaginable, actually making sense of subsequent "Raynor, you failed us!" arcs. Not enough conflict between Raynor and Matt? Then let's make Matt predict Raynor's failure ahead of time, but his advice goes unheeded. The artifact is too straight-forward? Then let's make it do something that Warfield can take advantage of in a creative new way that hasn't already been seen.

As I said in another thread a week or so back, it's all about being efficient. The intent should be for every single mission to be doing ten different things at the same time -- starting one plot strand, closing another, and progressing three more all at once. You're still going to fail a bunch of the time, that's inevitable, but you'll succeed more triumphantly, too.

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As for other possible candidates for mutineers, there's always good ol' Stetmann... :D

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Oh God, you've found the crack that will unravel my entire re-write! I don't have an arc planned for Stettman! :eek::(

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Originally Posted by LordofAscension

Interesting - SC:L is working on a bit review of the SP (hope to have it finished soon). We're likely to point to this as an example of what can be done to give it a bit more exposure - we reach hundreds of thousands and Blizz will more than likely see it as well :D

Also, I'm a bit skeptical of the new story forum on bnet - we'll see how it pans out - Blizz is notorious for starting things and then taking forever to do anything with them. I know Sixen and as an MVP he is helpful - but remember, he doesn't work for Blizz and he doesn't talk to them any more than another site leader - don't take his voice as the gospel any more than you would mine or AJ's.

<3

~LoA

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That's a good point, LoA...I may have jumped to quite a naive conclusion there. The SC:L review of SL sounds VERY EXCITING! Just curious: When you say the review will reach out hundreds of thousands, do you mean just by virtue of being posted here (like Gradius' Retcon Article) or you'll try to disperse it around the net also? I'm certainly looking forward to it. Let me know if you need any help.

Good stuff, Wasted. The WoL story does indeed need some meat on it's bones and you've done a good job of fleshing it out so far. I like the way you're trying to justify all the characters existence on the Hyperion and the sense of forward movement/ progression. Keep it up.

On the topic of Stetman, I wonder if you're going to involve any other incidental characters on the Hyperion, such as Kachinsky or that merc guy, Hill.

I like it.

What's wrong with having side characters just to have side characters? Most of the Mass Effect 2 crew had no plot justification to be there other than "cause TIM said so", and it didn't bother me then, so yeah, I still don't care much if WoL made Swan and Stettman to be more or less expendable. Arielan and Tosh have some pretty big implications, so we can only wait and see if Blizzard chooses to pick up the slack for the expansions... or at least give us a pat on the back through an email Bioware style.

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Originally Posted by Louis

What's wrong with having side characters just to have side characters? Most of the Mass Effect 2 crew had no plot justification to be there other than "cause TIM said so", and it didn't bother me then, so yeah, I still don't care much if WoL has some expendables.

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Side characters aren't inherently bad. When you've got loads and loads of characters it's inevitable that some will get more screentime than others. You'll note that I'm not complaining about Mira Han's role in the campaign and that they didn't do her character justice.

The problem is WOL doesn't really have that many characters, and the ones it does have are presumably there instead of other characters that could be there. Every time I look at Hanson, I see Mengsk's palace, filled with Generals, Admirals, Ambassadors from the UP or KMC, and frequent entrances by characters such as Narud and Valerian. Blizzard chose to go with inherently tamer characters with less influence, that means they made a sacrifice (consciously or without understanding it). It only makes sense to then attempt to get everything you can out of what you ended up with.

You got in before the edit.

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Originally Posted by pure.Wasted

Side characters aren't inherently bad. When you've got loads and loads of characters it's inevitable that some will get more screentime than others. You'll note that I'm not complaining about Mira Han's role in the campaign and that they didn't do her character justice.

The problem is WOL doesn't really have that many characters, and the ones it does have are presumably there instead of other characters that could be there. Every time I look at Hanson, I see Mengsk's palace, filled with Generals, Admirals, Ambassadors from the UP or KMC, and frequent entrances by characters such as Narud and Valerian. Blizzard chose to go with inherently tamer characters with less influence, that means they made a sacrifice (consciously or without understanding it). It only makes sense to then attempt to get everything you can out of what you ended up with.

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Quanitity doesn't matter too much to be honest. Loads of fiction gets by just fine on a lot less than WoL.
I keep on looking at WoL and remember the news that Blizzard decided to split SCII into thirds of a campaign halfway through development. I suspect that Hanson and Tosh were added after the split so it'd be difficult to work them into the expansions, but I think that thete is a lot of potential in a shady ex-ghost with a grudge and a low grade Zerg infestation cure and hope the expansions will do something about it. But probably not going to happen. Still, Hanson and Tosh both justified themselves by shedding some light onto Jims character for the newbies so they were somewhat productive imo.

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Originally Posted by Louis

I think that thete is a lot of potential in a shady ex-ghost with a grudge and a low grade Zerg infestation cure

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I agree. :) Both of these will feature heavily in Section Two.

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Still, Hanson and Tosh both justified themselves by shedding some light onto Jims character for the newbies so they were somewhat productive imo.

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I would never say that they were a complete waste of time. That would be a blatant lie. However, this is obviously a question of standards. My standards are set much higher than "somewhat productive," and "somewhat productive" does not get a pass. No "A for effort."

I'm amazed by how tantilizing this re-write already is. You've really done a great job so far.

I have some points though and it might make sense that they're more focused on gameplay, since you've got so many aspects of the storytelling so well covered.
You mention introducing units that will have some sort of scope/advantage in the mission they're introduced in, yet I can't seem to be able to read that scope/advantage out of the missiondescriptions themselves.
I can see techwise, why we'd have medics, vultures, firebats so soon (it's the same stuff we had 4 years ago), but having (when that time comes) little sidedescriptions of what we'd use those units for, could be cool.
Also noting that the Siegetank is the unit I have most trouble imagining in its respective mission, due to the described gameplay, but ALSO due to the fact that the Crucio is new tech contrary to the Arclite we all know and love. ;P

Stetmann, I don't give a damn about. Having TWO prominent scientistscharacters always did bother me in WoL. Since the Lab was low-keep anyway, why didn't blizz make a story out of FINALLY having someone (Hanson) to run the unused lab?
So my advice, demote the bastard to some assistant kinda guy that finally gets his "chance" when a proper scientist (again Hanson) shows up. And in the case you kill her off or something, he can be replacement since he's been tutored by that time.

Also I think adding Kachinsky (just as Blizz did back in 2007) as the direct "voice" of the unsatisfied crew, could help putting Swann in that light of being unvolentarily the mutiny's leader. Kachinsky is a great character, a superskilled engineer and to the Hyperion an invaluable asset, but he also has his issues (his brother and all) so he is the more illtempered, and therefore also illogical at times, of the crewmen. Adding him would to me being spicying the already, by you, well established setting and mood aboard the Hyperion.

And just as a frisky note. I would wait longer for this (and for what I believe to become an incredible re-write) than the wait we did for WoL. Keep it up Wasted!

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Originally Posted by pure.Wasted

Oh God, you've found the crack that will unravel my entire re-write! I don't have an arc planned for Stettman! :eek::(

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No biggie. You could just set Stetmann up as the main info-dumper where the Artifact is concerned. For example, he could be the one who reveals/discovers the anti-Zerg properties of the Artifact during Zero Hour. And to spice it up, you could have him be an outsider; either a Moebius scientist who arrives just before the Zerg invasion to verify the Artifact or (better yet) a Dominion scientist that you either rescue during Zero Hour or kidnap during The Outlaws so ensure that the 'alien contraption doesn't 'splode on us'.

The advantage with the latter is that it would provide an interesting contrast between Hanson and Stetmann (the former angry that the Dominion abandoned her while the other naively confdent that the Dominion will rescue him). He could then have a mini-arc of him slowly 'going native' after spending time amongst the Raiders. As for things to do, he could have a 'day in the limelight' mission by having the Tal'Darim show up to try and steal the Artifacts (instead of just threatening vengeance a la WoL) during which time Stetmann is forced to protect them since the entire Hyperion has been locked down for whatever reason.

Lastly, one idea I think would be really fun is if instead of simply pardoning Swann's mutiny with no repercussions, Raynor instead still allows them to work but require that they continue to live in the brig until they finish serving their sentence. Later, during the Story Mode conversations, Swann is then outraged/annoyed that Raynor made him cellmates with the Dominion scientist, Stetmann at which point Raynor retorts that if Swann can restrain himself from killing 'the motormouth', Raynor might let him out early on good behaviour. This humourous, unusual (not to mention cruel) punishment would in a sense highlight the lack of bad blood between the two.

Then, during the course of the campaign, through conversations with both individuals, you could reveal Stetmann and Swann slowly growing on one another (with the latter converting the former to the cause); culminating in a scene in Belly of the Beast where Raynor needs Stetmann (perhaps to help him secure the Artifact Kerrigan stole) at which point Swann objects, saying that 'the kid is too inexperienced to survive out in the field' and insist that he tags along to keep an eye on Stetmann.

I feel having conversations that reveal an evolving relationship between Swann and Stetmann would serve as a nice way of helping the ship feel more alive with things going on in the background and not only whenever Raynor is around. Moreover, it adds a more interesting dynamic to the Swann-Stetmann relationship that WoL sort of hinted at.

This is really, really good.

I'm wondering something about the mission count, however. When you said there will be the same number as in the original, did you mean 26, or 29, factoring in the choices?

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Originally Posted by mr. peasant

No biggie. You could just set Stetmann up as the main info-dumper where the Artifact is concerned. For example, he could be the one who reveals/discovers the anti-Zerg properties of the Artifact during Zero Hour. And to spice it up, you could have him be an outsider; either a Moebius scientist who arrives just before the Zerg invasion to verify the Artifact or (better yet) a Dominion scientist that you either rescue during Zero Hour or kidnap during The Outlaws so ensure that the 'alien contraption doesn't 'splode on us'.

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Love it. Once I get around to a re-write of the first section, this will definitely go in. The second section already takes it into account. Stettman was taken along with the artifact in The Outlaws.

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The advantage with the latter is that it would provide an interesting contrast between Hanson and Stetmann (the former angry that the Dominion abandoned her while the other naively confdent that the Dominion will rescue him). He could then have a mini-arc of him slowly 'going native' after spending time amongst the Raiders. As for things to do, he could have a 'day in the limelight' mission by having the Tal'Darim show up to try and steal the Artifacts (instead of just threatening vengeance a la WoL) during which time Stetmann is forced to protect them since the entire Hyperion has been locked down for whatever reason.

Lastly, one idea I think would be really fun is if instead of simply pardoning Swann's mutiny with no repercussions, Raynor instead still allows them to work but require that they continue to live in the brig until they finish serving their sentence. Later, during the Story Mode conversations, Swann is then outraged/annoyed that Raynor made him cellmates with the Dominion scientist, Stetmann at which point Raynor retorts that if Swann can restrain himself from killing 'the motormouth', Raynor might let him out early on good behaviour. This humourous, unusual (not to mention cruel) punishment would in a sense highlight the lack of bad blood between the two.

Then, during the course of the campaign, through conversations with both individuals, you could reveal Stetmann and Swann slowly growing on one another (with the latter converting the former to the cause); culminating in a scene in Belly of the Beast where Raynor needs Stetmann (perhaps to help him secure the Artifact Kerrigan stole) at which point Swann objects, saying that 'the kid is too inexperienced to survive out in the field' and insist that he tags along to keep an eye on Stetmann.

I feel having conversations that reveal an evolving relationship between Swann and Stetmann would serve as a nice way of helping the ship feel more alive with things going on in the background and not only whenever Raynor is around. Moreover, it adds a more interesting dynamic to the Swann-Stetmann relationship that WoL sort of hinted at.

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While I really, really, really like this idea, I'm not sure it fits into the campaign because of other logistical issues (Swann is needed elsewhere, etc). That said, once I'm finished, I'll look at a way of restructuring that would allow for this. Definitely a great way to add depth to both characters.

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Originally Posted by BusinessMonkey

You mention introducing units that will have some sort of scope/advantage in the mission they're introduced in, yet I can't seem to be able to read that scope/advantage out of the missiondescriptions themselves.
I can see techwise, why we'd have medics, vultures, firebats so soon (it's the same stuff we had 4 years ago), but having (when that time comes) little sidedescriptions of what we'd use those units for, could be cool.
Also noting that the Siegetank is the unit I have most trouble imagining in its respective mission, due to the described gameplay, but ALSO due to the fact that the Crucio is new tech contrary to the Arclite we all know and love. ;P

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This is a very good point and to address it I'm making a change in the way missions are described. I'm trying to explain units' origins better in Campaign dialogue, and I added a special "Tech" subsection to shed more light on this. I'll retro-fix these for Section One once I'm finished. Let me know if I'm doing well on this, or not yet well enough!

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Also I think adding Kachinsky (just as Blizz did back in 2007) as the direct "voice" of the unsatisfied crew, could help putting Swann in that light of being unvolentarily the mutiny's leader. Kachinsky is a great character, a superskilled engineer and to the Hyperion an invaluable asset, but he also has his issues (his brother and all) so he is the more illtempered, and therefore also illogical at times, of the crewmen. Adding him would to me being spicying the already, by you, well established setting and mood aboard the Hyperion.

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I'll look into this on re-write. Thanks. :)

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Originally Posted by Muspelli

This is really, really good.

I'm wondering something about the mission count, however. When you said there will be the same number as in the original, did you mean 26, or 29, factoring in the choices?

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I meant 26, but that's not really necessary, since I'm taking advantage of the 2 bonus cinematics. I might throw in a few more missions once I'm done, if it seems appropriate. :)

SECTION TWO

Get ready, the action is ramping up and this stuff is getting intense. :)

A few notes:
1. Stettman was captured along with the Artifact in The Outlaws. He was working for the Dominion and spends the first few mid-campaign episodes in the Brig.
2. Before the Raiders leave Redstone in The Devil's Playground, but after Tosh has gone AWOL, one of the facilities is seen to explode. Raynor and Matt wonder what this means but have no idea.
3. New "tech" subsection under Missions provides more info on how a unit is relevant to that particular mission.
4. New "Set, Interactable Object" under Campaign provides more info on character motion from one mid-mission "episode" to another.

Campaign: HYPERION

Bridge, Matt: Matt says they ought to be glad to be rid of Tosh, especially given that Tosh didn’t stick to his end of the bargain in giving Raynor any useful information. He says that Ghosts just can’t be trusted, then realizes who he said that to and looks up to apologize, but Raynor cuts him off, agreeing bitterly. Raynor then says that at the very least, they now have enough money to pay off all their debts and maybe even recruit some reinforcements. Suddenly Matt picks up an incoming transmission – from Tosh.

Console, Tosh: Tosh apologizes for leaving Raynor out to dry, but says that something came up which required his personal attention. Raynor says that it doesn’t matter now as the two are free to go their separate ways, but Tosh says that their business is far from over, and Tosh is in fact already en route to rendezvous. Raynor is shocked, but Tosh explains that he left Raynor a little present in the cantina before they left, and Raynor will change his mind after he sees it. Raynor says “we’ll see” and leaves.

Cantina, Jukebox: The present is a hidden folder of intel on a Dominion operation on Tarsonis which reveals that they found some pre-war Confederate Adjutant and are preparing to ship it off-world. Raynor tells Matt that with all the bad publicity they’ve gotten lately between sabotaging Dominion rescue efforts and letting Kerrigan run off with one of the artifacts, they really need something to swing the tide against Mengsk before they can dethrone him.

Cantina, Tychus: Meanwhile, Tychus tells Raynor that another artifact has surfaced, this time without the Moebius Foundation’s help at all. Mengsk has brought two artifacts out of hiding and Warfield is actually using them to stage a credible defense of Terran space by pushing into key Zerg staging areas. Raynor explains that he has no interest in going after artifacts now and that his partnership with Tychus will have to be put on hold, but when Tychus doesn’t object and doesn’t really seem to care, Raynor is surprised.

Armory, Swann: Raynor tells Swann that he wants Swann on the ground for this upcoming mission to oversee the Adjutant’s safe recovery. Swann agrees.

MISSION 9: The Great Train Robbery

Objective: Intercept Dominion trains to retrieve the Confederate Adjutant; later, locate hidden installation.

Logistics: Raiders vs. Dominion on Tarsonis.

Tech: Recently hired mercenary Reapers used to stage mobile assaults on mobile targets (combined with previous mission’s Medivacs to keep them alive and out of danger.)

Story: The Raiders set up an outpost to hit as many of the trains as they can, with Swann on the ground but not engaging in the battle. Immediately upon arriving Matt notes a surprising amount of air traffic, including a number of Hercules-class Dropships landing at the central Dominion base, which Raynor suspects are there to cover up the Dominion’s true agenda in case anyone bothers to spy on them. While the Raiders are looking for the Adjutant, they keep finding all sorts of metals and what look to be high-tech construction implements. Swann looks over them and suggests that the Dropships are actually being used to ferry supplies and tools to what must be a hidden Dominion base. They locate the Adjutant and Swann OK’s it for transport, leaving. However, the Raiders remain, stealthily searching for this hidden factory, using Reapers to follow the trains around and by-passing heavily defended Dominion check-points to locate the entrance.

Result: Raiders grab the Adjutant and locate the secret Dominion base underneath Tarsonis.

CINEMATIC 8: Queen of Blades.

Tychus is looking up information on the Queen of Blades, prompted by some talk of Kerrigan since Raynor’s return to Tarsonis. Matt comes in and explains their history. Only change is that instead of focusing on what-Raynor-will-do we focus on the fact that Kerrigan is dead. The Queen of Blades isn’t Kerrigan. Jim’s accepted that and moved on. Tychus agrees, “only thing to do.”

Campaign: HYPERION

Armory, Swann: Swann reveals that he’s still decoding the Adjutant, so it's not yet available for viewing.

Bridge, Matt: Matt tells Raynor that Tosh is asking to board their ship, and asks if he should tell Tosh to screw off. Raynor hesitates. Matt reminds Raynor that all Tosh did was fulfill his end of the bargain, the two are now equal and Raynor doesn’t owe him anything. However, Raynor has made up his mind and he wants Tosh aboard.

Cargo Bay, Tosh: Tosh asks whether the present was good, and Raynor says that he doesn’t know yet, and doesn’t have time to find out. He reveals to Tosh the location of the underground Dominion factory. Then he says he wants Tosh to lead an undercover mission to find out what the facility is being used for, but under one condition: Tosh is going to have a few of Raynor’s men along for the ride to keep an eye on him.

Armory, Swann: Raynor asks Swann whether there’s any chance Swann could patch up some of the old Wraiths they still have lying around for one last hurrah. Swann agrees. Raynor asks if it might be theoretically possible to adapt one of the Wraiths’ cloak generators to something smaller, like... for example... a Marine suit? Swann says he’ll give it a try.

Cantina, Tychus: Raynor suggests that if Tychus isn’t doing anything anyway, he might as well go on a mission and keep an eye on Tosh for him. Knowing that it’s a mission to break into the Dominion facility, Tychus agrees immediately. Raynor grins, but says nothing else.

MISSION 10: Engine of Destruction

Objective: Find out more about the Valhalla facility; later, use the Odin to destroy Raynor’s base.

Logistics: Tychus and Tosh vs. Dominion in the Valhalla facility.

Tech: Cloaked Wraiths used to provide support for Tosh’s away party.

Story: Tychus is angry at Raynor for not warning him about the stealth portion of their mission. In fact, Tychus’s Marine suit is cloaked by a salvaged Wraith’s reactor, and he, Tosh, and a number of Wraiths are used to complete stealth-type objectives to discover the purpose of the installation. Swann contacts Raynor to let him know that he discovered some irregularities with Tychus’s suit while attaching the cloak reactor and is going over them now, and will call back once he’s finished. Once Tychus and Tosh find out about the Odin, Tosh says that he knows of Mengsk’s plans to unveil this thing only a few days from then. Raynor immediately hatches a plan to hijack the Odin without alerting the Dominion; first he asks Tychus for his assistance and says he knows it isn’t Tychus’s war to fight, but Tychus says he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t pilot this thing. Raynor tells Tosh and Tychus to continue making their way to the Odin, while Raynor will establish a forward base and attack the installation head-on, distracting them. Once the Odin is reached, Raynor will ask Tychus to commandeer it, but lay low and not do anything at all until a pilot is sent to use it against Raynor’s attacking party; at this point Tychus will engage the Raiders, pretending to be the pilot, but keep casualties to a minimum. Once the battle is over Tosh will snipe the pilot to tie up loose ends, while Tychus will remain cloaked inside the Odin for a few days awaiting its announcement. However, while this plan is happening, Swann contacts Raynor and tells him that he’s finished his analysis and has some bad news: Tychus’s suit is wired to go off, and has a beacon that sends a continuous uninterrupted transmission from its location to whoever’s watching. He suspects it was rewired by Dominion specialists. Raynor is shocked and says that there’s no way they’ll be able to escape if Tychus sides with the Dominion and doesn’t pull his punches, and orders Tosh to attempt to take him out if it appears Tychus has switched sides. However, the Odin pilot arrives and Tychus holds him hostage according to plan, and demolishes Raynor’s base with minimal casualties. The Raiders appear defeated but as they leave Tosh snipes the “pilot” to tie up loose ends.

Result: Raiders’ assault on the facility appears to have been stopped, but Tychus remained behind in the Odin and communications with him are down until Korhal.

Campaign: HYPERION

Armory, Swann: Swann tells Raynor that upon further study, it appears that the beacon in Tychus’s suit has been deactivated. He has no idea how Tychus managed to do that. Raynor says they won’t have any idea who’s side Tychus is on until the business on Korhal goes down, and by then it may be too late… but they’re committed.

Lab, Adjutant: Raynor views the Adjutant’s recordings and realizes he has a chance to stir up some crazy controversy if only he can make sure that UNN gets their hands on this “footage.”

Bridge, Matt: Raynor tells Matt what he discovered on the Adjutant. Matt says that there’s no way they can count on the UNN to air this, because they’re being paid off by Mengsk. Raynor says that if they make a big enough scene that everyone notices it, the UNN won’t have a choice. Matt says that the Hyperion would be shot out of the sky in seconds, but Raynor says he wants to use the Odin instead. He realizes it’s a suicide mission, but they only need the Odin to survive long enough to get to the UNN headquarters. Matt asks what happens if Tychus decides to switch sides mid-way through the plan, but Raynor doesn’t have an answer. Matt reiterates that it’s wrong to risk civilians’ lives (by distracting the Dominion and letting the Zerg hack away at other planets) for a chance at Mengsk.

Cantina, Tosh: Tosh approves of Raynor’s plan to go after Mengsk, but says that the Odin won’t be enough. It’s going to need some support that an army wouldn’t be able to provide (because the Dominion would just overrun it) – Tosh’s Ghosts. Mengsk has a bunch of them locked away in New Folsom, and if they can stage a break-out, Tosh is certain his crew will help them out.

Bridge, Matt: Matt has mixed feelings about Raynor’s plan. On the one hand, many of its occupants are rebels like themselves, or political prisoners… but on the other, he’s wary of Tosh, let alone a whole army of Toshes, and advises Raynor to be careful.

Lab, Stettman: Stettman says he’s surprised that Mengsk would run Hanson into the ground with de-Infestation research when it’s common knowledge that de-Infestation isn’t possible. Raynor asks what motives Mengsk could possibly have to keep scientists occupied with bogus research, but Stettman says he never heard of de-Infestation research to begin with.

Cargo Bay, Hanson: Raynor asks if there’s anything Hanson hasn’t told him about her dealings with Mengsk. Hanson says that she’s sorry she wasn’t entirely up front from the start, but there’s nothing more. If Mengsk had ulterior motives for her doing the research she did, she wouldn’t know, although it certainly supports the idea that he would want to tie her off as a loose end. As for Stettman’s claim to not have heard about de-Infestation research, Hanson wonders if they worked for the same Dominion. She never heard of artifacts, let alone artifact research, but all that means is Mengsk is as paranoid as ever about playing things close to his chest.

MISSION 11: Breakout

Goal: Break out Tosh’s Spectres.

Logistics: Tosh vs. Nova’s Dominion in New Folsom.

Tech: Tosh gains the use of all his abilities, and Spectres can be produced from this point on.

Story: As the break-out commences, Nova contacts Raynor warning him that Tosh is not who he appears to be. Tosh is actually a Spectre, a failed Ghost supertype that is unstable and addicted to Terrazine, a compound harvested at Terrazine facilities like the one on Redstone where Tosh went AWOL. She says that Raynor’s never crossed the line of letting innocents get hurt in the process of his rebellion before, and that’s why she’s made him less of a priority than Mengsk might have liked. She offers Raynor a chance to leave and let Tosh be apprehended. Raynor asks Tosh if this is true. Tosh says it’s true, but he was there to destroy the facility so that no new Spectres could be created, not steal Terrazine for himself. Matt says that it’s very convenient that the facility went up in flames, since now they’ll never know if any of the Terrazine went missing. Matt eagerly agrees with Nova. Raynor hesitates but says that they will never succeed without Tosh and continues the breakout. Nova engages in a duel-of-sorts with Tosh, making his job in Folsom more difficult. Nova puts up a credible fight and although Tosh gets to the Spectres, she stops the Raiders from getting to the other prisoners; Nova then says that she will let some of the political prisoners go in exchange for Tosh, and if Raynor doesn’t stop, she’ll kill them instead. Despite Matt’s objections, Raynor tells Tosh that the Hyperion isn’t going anywhere. Matt is shocked. As the Spectres escape from enclosing Dominion forces, Nova tells Raynor that she was only bluffing and didn’t intend to kill any innocents, and is surprised and disappointed by Raynor’s decision, forcing Raynor to doubt his decision. She disappears.

Result: Tosh’s Spectres rescued, civilian prisoners remain in Nova’s custody.

CINEMATIC 9: A Better Tomorrow

Tosh re-appears to congratulate Raynor on a job well done. Matt expresses his disgust with both of them, saying that the Raiders had a chance to rescue people who could change the world for the better and didn’t take it. Tosh asks Matt if killing Mengsk isn’t on the Raiders’ agenda, but Matt says that that’s only the beginning, and if they become monsters in their fight against Mengsk, the world they create won’t be worth saving, either. Raynor says that he finally has a chance to kill Mengsk for killing Kerrigan. Matt says he no longer wants any part of Raynor’s revolution and leaves the bridge.

Campaign: HYPERION

Cantina, Tosh: Raynor confronts Tosh about the Spectres and their need for Terrazine. Tosh says that while he may have lied to Raynor, he’s sure that Raynor knows to trust him because the one most important thing – their need to have vengeance against Mengsk – they share. He says that Nova was exaggerating and he has the Spectres perfectly under control.

Lab, Hanson: Raynor tells Hanson that they’re preparing an invasion of Korhal and it won’t be safe for her colonists aboard the Hyperion any longer. Hanson tells him that many of the evacuees from Meinhoff were settled on a new world called Haven, and asks Raynor to drop her people off there. He agrees.

MISSION 12: Media Blitz

Goal: Keep the Odin alive long enough for it to reach UNN headquarters.

Logistics: Tychus vs. Warfield’s Dominion on Korhal.

Tech: Thors used to soak up damage for the Odin.

Story: Moment of truth approaches: will Tychus betray the Raiders or not? Mengsk’s demonstration of the Odin begins. A pilot is sent in to commandeer it, but as soon as the pilot enters Tychus kills him and takes over, resuming communications with Raynor. Raynor is eased when he sees that Tychus appears to still be working with them. Raynor uses the initial distraction to set up an outpost. The Dominion forces, commanded by General Warfield, are too numerous to take on so the only option is to keep the Odin moving and repaired while Spectres temporarily sabotage Dominion offensive positions. Mengsk holograms challenge Raynor every step of the way, arousing public antipathy by reminding them that Raynor recently sabotaged the Dominion’s war efforts on Tyrador, and that it’s his fault Warfield has to defend Korhal instead of resuming his offensive against the Zerg. Raynor orders all of his troops to ignore the civilian rioters helping the Dominion and not harm them. One by one, some of Tosh’s Spectres go AWOL and begin to attack the rioters. Raynor is outraged with Tosh, but Tosh says he’s not responsible and that plenty of Spectres remain loyal to the Raiders. Warfield contacts Raynor, saying that he understands why Raynor might have a problem with Mengsk, but the Zerg invasion is a terrible time to stage a coup because of how many innocents end up dead in the process. Raynor counters heatedly that if Warfield helps him, the coup will end quickly and without many casualties. Warfield cuts communications. Tychus arrives at the UNN building and broadcasts a recording from Raynor for everyone to watch the UNN feed once the video has been transferred.

Result: The Odin delivers its cargo but Spectres have started to attack civilians.

Campaign: HYPERION

Bridge, Tosh: Tosh explains that the Spectres that assaulted civilians went rogue and he has no control over them. Raynor counters that Tosh said he could control his people, and that this is exactly what Matt predicted would happen. Tosh says that the Raiders can spin this situation to turn it into a PR disaster for Mengsk. He still has files on the Dominion’s Spectre program, and no one except Mengsk and Raynor knows that the Spectres went rogue. If Tosh spreads his intel to the UNN, which is going to town with the Adjutant’s recording already, all the Raiders have to do is kill these Spectres and they’ll be hailed as heroes by the civilian population. Raynor is dismayed by how quickly Tosh turned his back on his comrades, but Tosh explains that suppressing his urges is no easier for him than for them, and if he manages, they could have, too. Raynor is not happy with using civilian deaths to unfairly damage Mengsk’s reputation, but sees no alternative now that the situation has unfolded.

Armory, Swann: Raynor makes Swann commander of the Hyperion. Swann says that he doesn’t deserve that after his earlier actions, but Raynor says that this job might not be so much a privilege as a death sentence in light of the Raiders’ suicide mission. He says he needs somebody he can trust as they sail into uncharted waters. Swann accepts.

Cantina, TV: Mengsk blows off PR stunt after being confronted with Adjutant playback. Another update shows that Gaskerville has been pulled back to defend Korhal.

MISSION 13: Hearts and Minds

Goal: Take down Tosh’s rogue Spectres; later, keep the Bucephalus from escaping.

Logistics: Tychus and Raynor vs. Warfield and Gaskerville’s Dominion vs. Zerg on Korhal.

Tech: Dominion Banshees used to perform mobile attacks on Spectres.

Story: The Raiders are being pressured hard by the Dominion and forced to retreat. The Odin and other Thors are being used defensively. Warfield contacts Raynor and says that while the public might not know who’s behind the Spectre attacks, he does, and he warned Raynor that something like this would happen. On top of that, Gaskerville’s been forced to pull back from the front lines, which means the Zerg are back to having free reign of Dominion worlds, all because of Raynor. Now Warfield’s going to come after Raynor with everything he’s got. Meanwhile, Wraith/Banshee hunting parties are assembled to track down rogue Spectres and eliminate them. Their Cloak is useful for getting around Dominion forces, but they have to Decloak when they take out Spectres to make sure the public knows who’s saving them. To Raynor’s dismay, instead of focusing on the battle at hand, Gaskerville focuses on taking out the Raiders’ Wraith/Banshee squads to prevent them from getting any good publicity, regardless of the casualties this will bring about. When Raynor tries to appeal to Warfield’s humane sensibilities and asks him to pull Gaskerville back, Warfield scoffs and says Raynor should have worried about what dogs of hell could do before he unleashed them. Warfield says he holds Raynor responsible for every death, regardless of Gaskerville’s involvement. Mengsk contacts Raynor and tells him that Raynor’s crossed the line and there’s no going back, which Raynor readily agrees with. As the Raiders kill off the remaining Spectres, Swann says he’s picking up a Battlecruiser preparing to leave orbit: Mengsk’s flagship, the Bucephalus. Just as Raynor fears that there’s no way they’ll ever reach the Bucephalus in time to stop Mengsk, the Zerg assault begins, forcing the Dominion to back off ever so slightly. Raynor orders Tychus to go and keep the Bucephalus from taking to the air with the Odin’s missile barrage. Raynor drops the Hyperion down to the planet’s surface, taking heavy damage as he does this, ordering Swann to leave the moment the boarding party is clear of the Raiders’ base, which he does. Raynor assembles a force of Marines and departs with Tosh to intercept the Bucephalus before it can leave. Although the Odin is destroyed, Tychus manages to escape and joins them as they enter the docked Battlecruiser.

Result: Public turned against Mengsk with Raiders propaganda, Raiders’ base destroyed by Dominion forces who are in turn besieged by Zerg forces. Raynor, Tychus, and Tosh with Spectres in tow board the Bucephalus.

MISSION 14: Delicate Alliance

Goal: Locate and kill Mengsk; later, protect Valerian.

Logistics: Raynor, Tychus, and Tosh vs. Dominion vs. Zerg aboard the Bucephalus.

Tech: Ghosts.

Story: This is it, their chance to kill Mengsk. Raynor gives a speech about how everything they’ve done has led to this, and he’s only sad that not all of his friends are with him now to see this. They begin their assault, killing Dominion troops and personnel as they go. Swann contacts Raynor saying that a massive Zerg army is making its way toward the Bucephalus. Raynor says to sit tight and prepare some Dropships for evacuation, but Swann says he’s coming in after them. The Bucephalus is hit hard and Zerg begin streaming in from all directions. Raynor says that there’s absolutely no way they can keep going, so Tosh is going to have to sneak around and sabotage the ship and they can just leave Mengsk to his fate. Tosh agrees. The parties split up, Raynor going one way (a different escape area than where they started), Tosh another. The fight with Dominion and Zerg goes on. Raynor asks Tosh why he hasn’t crippled the ship yet, but Tosh reveals that that’s not good enough. He wants to see Mengsk die, kill him with his own hands. Raynor tells Tosh that he’s making a mistake and wasting their only shot. Raynor and Tychus are forced to keep making their way out and come across Nova. Although she could kill them both, she instead leads them to safety: Mengsk’s observatory, where the Dominion forces are holding off waves of Zerg. As Raynor prepares to put a bullet between Mengsk’s eyes despite it meaning certain death for him, Mengsk turns around to reveal that it’s in fact Valerian. Raynor is dumbfounded, asks where Arcturus is. Valerian asks Raynor what he thinks would have happened had Raynor found and shot Mengsk. He suggests that the same thing would have happened as did four years ago at Tarsonis: a power vacuum would be created. Only this time it would be even worse, because unlike last, there isn’t a single clear person to take over. There would be a huge civil war between people like himself and Gaskerville and Warfield and others, who have learned a lot of Machiavellian tricks by spending time around Mengsk, and in the meantime the Zerg would just destroy everybody. He asks Raynor if Raynor is prepared to lead the Dominion. Raynor is taken aback. Valerian says that if Raynor wants to take down Mengsk, something with which Valerian agrees, Raynor needs to place a bet on one racehorse or another before the race is already finished. Raynor says that it’s a lot to think about in the middle of an invasion, but decides to hold off on killing Valerian until they can hold off the Zerg. Nova says that if it were up to her, both he and Tychus would already be dead for unleashing Tosh and his Spectres. Meanwhile, Tosh’s Spectres are still killing Dominion troops. Raynor orders him to stand down and help them fight off the Zerg, but Tosh says that now it’s Raynor who’s wasting their one opportunity. Raynor unites with Dominion personnel and Nova’s Ghosts to fight back against the Zerg and Tosh’s Spectres. Swann contacts Raynor to tell him that the Zerg have been distracted by the Hyperion for the moment (and the Hyperion is taking heavy damage). While the Bucephalus is being cleared, Valerian asks Tychus why Tychus gave up on fulfilling his end of the bargain. Raynor is confused, Tychus grumbles that he’ll explain later. The Spectres are defeated but Tosh vanishes.

Result: Dominion and Raiders take back the Bucephalus from Zerg and kill off Spectres. Raynor and Tychus are considering Valerian’s request.

CINEMATIC 10: The Heir Apparent

Aboard the Bucephalus Zerg and Terran corpses are being carried off as Dominion personnel walk about examining the damage to the ship. Prompted by Valerian, Tychus explains that while he owes his mobility to Arcturus, he’s only free thanks to Valerian. Valerian intercepted him on his way out of prison and disabled the tracking device in his suit, as well as the death-trap mechanism, while offering Tychus a way to make some money by bringing him artifacts that his father had stolen from him. Tychus suggests that it was only an offer, and besides, he gave it a shot. Valerian then explains that he wants Raynor’s help in dethroning his father, but the first step in doing that isn’t killing Mengsk, it’s killing the Zerg and winning total public approval for Raynor’s “race horse.” He says that not only can he get Warfield behind him in a push against the Zerg, he even has an artifact hidden away that his father didn’t know about. He says that if the artifacts are combined, they grow in power, and if they can get all of them together, they can kill Kerrigan for good. Raynor’s mouth opens – he didn’t even think that possible. While they’re talking, the door behind them opens. They look up but there’s no one there. Without hesitation, Tychus lifts up his rifle and unloads a magazine into the air. A baliset falls to the floor. Tosh materializes out of cloak and falls over, dead. Tychus turns to Valerian and says, “Now we’re even.”

END OF SECTION TWO

As before, feedback is welcome!

You should change your name to pure.Win!!

It's great to see some tension between the characters - it really propels the narrative forward. Good to see that the little-used characters of Warfield and Nova being more fleshed out. It's nice to see to see their perspective given that they are the Dominion and the "enemy". It's a great way to dovetail into the introduction of Valerian.

Not too sure about Raynor letting Swann be in command of the Hyperion - it's a bit of a stretch. I know Raynor is showing his faith in/forgiving Swann by doing this, but I don't think Swann has the chops/skills or experience to be in command of a ship. Maybe you should have had Matt make a comeback somewhere during the Zerg attack on the Hyperion and Bucaphelus to show his solidarity to Raynor despite being let down by Raynors decision at New Folsom and the fact that he's a more able captain than Swann.
I know that'd be hard to do considering the focus is on Raynor in your Mission 13.

I have a question (you didn't answer it before) about the character of Hill and his mercenary contracts. I know he has no part really in WoLs story but he does have more of a purpose in the game than, say Kachinsky. Any thoughts on expanding his role?

Aside from that, awesome stuff. Keep it up. Can't wait for the continuation.

Side-note: I'll be cinematificationing all of my cinematics at some later date. So far some of my choices have been kind of arbitrary, and they haven't all been as visually exciting as they could be, so I'll be looking to do some restructing there once everything else is in place. Consider the cinematics more rough-draft than everything else.

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Originally Posted by Turalyon

Not too sure about Raynor letting Swann be in command of the Hyperion - it's a bit of a stretch. I know Raynor is showing his faith in/forgiving Swann by doing this, but I don't think Swann has the chops/skills or experience to be in command of a ship. Maybe you should have had Matt make a comeback somewhere during the Zerg attack on the Hyperion and Bucaphelus to show his solidarity to Raynor despite being let down by Raynors decision at New Folsom and the fact that he's a more able captain than Swann.
I know that'd be hard to do considering the focus is on Raynor in your Mission 13.

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I like the idea of Matt coming back in the nick of time, but I keep coming back to this feeling that I thought about it and discarded it for some reason. But now I can't remember the reason, so maybe it wasn't a good one! Hm. I'll think about it, definitely. As for Swann... the thing is, mainly I want Raynor to come in and find a replacement for Matt, because the Hyperion is going to be taking heavy fire so there needs to be SOMEONE at the helm while he's potentially on the ground. The problem is that there just isn't anyone besides Swann. He and Matt are the only two core Raiders other than Raynor, and it's too early for Matt to come back seeing as how Raynor hasn't begun to see the error of his ways just yet. But I'll keep these scenes in mind for re-writes.

edit: something that I maybe didn't emphasize as much as I should have. Raynor making Swann captain is supposed to be obviously a temporary decision, just so that he's got someone at the helm he can trust. It's not a long-term career move, so Swann's leadership (or lack thereof) shouldn't be a big concern. Just his ability to keep the Hyperion from blowing up within the following 24 hours. :p

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I have a question (you didn't answer it before) about the character of Hill and his mercenary contracts. I know he has no part really in WoLs story but he does have more of a purpose in the game than, say Kachinsky. Any thoughts on expanding his role?

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Honestly, I've given him zero thought so far, so it's not promising. :p But I'll keep him in mind. The problem is that there's only so many things to do with Terran rebel characters... you have Swann who's sort of living from day to day. You have Tosh who wants vengeance. You have Matt who wants a pretty world with flowers and butterflies. You have Tychus who just wants to be left alone. And you have Raynor who's sort of straddling all of these.

And all of their arcs play out in this "section two" segment (though not exclusively). I don't want to make it even heavier so if I add something for Mr. Hill it would have to be something for either Section 1 (back to mutiny) or Sections 3/4 (lots and lots of other delicious things). We'll see, I suppose. Mutiny's not out of the question, though I'd have to find a rationale for keeping him around for the rest of the campaign, since mercenaries don't go out of style!

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Originally Posted by pure.Wasted

Side-note: I'll be cinematificationing all of my cinematics at some later date. So far some of my choices have been kind of arbitrary, and they haven't all been as visually exciting as they could be, so I'll be looking to do some restructing there once everything else is in place. Consider the cinematics more rough-draft than everything else.



I like the idea of Matt coming back in the nick of time, but I keep coming back to this feeling that I thought about it and discarded it for some reason. But now I can't remember the reason, so maybe it wasn't a good one! Hm. I'll think about it, definitely. As for Swann... the thing is, mainly I want Raynor to come in and find a replacement for Matt, because the Hyperion is going to be taking heavy fire so there needs to be SOMEONE at the helm while he's potentially on the ground. The problem is that there just isn't anyone besides Swann. He and Matt are the only two core Raiders other than Raynor, and it's too early for Matt to come back seeing as how Raynor hasn't begun to see the error of his ways just yet. But I'll keep these scenes in mind for re-writes.

edit: something that I maybe didn't emphasize as much as I should have. Raynor making Swann captain is supposed to be obviously a temporary decision, just so that he's got someone at the helm he can trust. It's not a long-term career move, so Swann's leadership (or lack thereof) shouldn't be a big concern. Just his ability to keep the Hyperion from blowing up within the following 24 hours. :p



Honestly, I've given him zero thought so far, so it's not promising. :p But I'll keep him in mind. The problem is that there's only so many things to do with Terran rebel characters... you have Swann who's sort of living from day to day. You have Tosh who wants vengeance. You have Matt who wants a pretty world with flowers and butterflies. You have Tychus who just wants to be left alone. And you have Raynor who's sort of straddling all of these.

And all of their arcs play out in this "section two" segment (though not exclusively). I don't want to make it even heavier so if I add something for Mr. Hill it would have to be something for either Section 1 (back to mutiny) or Sections 3/4 (lots and lots of other delicious things). We'll see, I suppose. Mutiny's not out of the question, though I'd have to find a rationale for keeping him around for the rest of the campaign, since mercenaries don't go out of style!

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Keep in mind, that, in the comic book, which takes place shortly before SC1, Raynor got ahold of the War Pigs and had them join him on his ship, so he should at least have access to those Mercenaries.

Reading through Great Train Robbery to Media Blitz: What have you done with Mira Han?!! :( :D

In all seriousness, thoroughly enjoying the read. The twists definitely grow naturally and suit the characterisations you've given them. That said, the one thing that seemed out of place was in Breakout where Raynor was willing to sacrifice the lives of innocents for the sake of freeing Tosh's Spectre buddies. I understand it was needed as a catalyst to Horner leaving the Hyperion (or did he just resign as captain and is still onboard?). Perhaps it would have worked better if Raynor had employed some sort of ruse to distract Nova and calling her bluff, with Horner feeling it had been too risky/reckless a move.

Another issue I have, which also bugged me in the original WoL, was how Valerian just pops out of nowhere without prior introduction. Personally, it would work better if he was introduced earlier on as the new face of the Dominion or as a symbol for the Dominion's future. Maybe not in plot or mission but in the news clips, which I know you've deliberately not fleshed out.

Sorry to hammer on the negatives since the rest was otherwise very well thought out.

Also, perhaps I'm reading too much into it (and been hanging out at TVTropes too much) but

Hidden Content:

am liking the foreshadowing you've slipped in on Hanson's true nature. Am I right in guessing that you're going with the bad end?

Makes the plot mighty interesting if it's the case.

Lastly, I look forward to see what happens next. Wonder what kind of reception awaits Raynor when Swann and the Hyperion crew find out their fearless leader is now in bed with 'the enemy'. Hopefully, they won't be faced with yet another mutiny.


P.S.:

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Originally Posted by Turalyon

Not too sure about Raynor letting Swann be in command of the Hyperion - it's a bit of a stretch. I know Raynor is showing his faith in/forgiving Swann by doing this, but I don't think Swann has the chops/skills or experience to be in command of a ship. Maybe you should have had Matt make a comeback somewhere during the Zerg attack on the Hyperion and Bucaphelus to show his solidarity to Raynor despite being let down by Raynors decision at New Folsom and the fact that he's a more able captain than Swann.
I know that'd be hard to do considering the focus is on Raynor in your Mission 13.

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Originally Posted by pure.Wasted

I like the idea of Matt coming back in the nick of time, but I keep coming back to this feeling that I thought about it and discarded it for some reason. But now I can't remember the reason, so maybe it wasn't a good one! Hm. I'll think about it, definitely. As for Swann... the thing is, mainly I want Raynor to come in and find a replacement for Matt, because the Hyperion is going to be taking heavy fire so there needs to be SOMEONE at the helm while he's potentially on the ground. The problem is that there just isn't anyone besides Swann. He and Matt are the only two core Raiders other than Raynor, and it's too early for Matt to come back seeing as how Raynor hasn't begun to see the error of his ways just yet. But I'll keep these scenes in mind for re-writes.

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I think it's a given that Horner will return at some point in the campaign. However, I think it should be saved for a more desperate situation with Horner and whoever he brings arriving at the nick of time and coming off like big damn heroes.

Hidden Content:

If it was up to me, it would be definitely after the purging of the infected colonists since that too might be a touch too dark for the idealistic Horner. And I dunno... I can't get the picture of Horner showing up at Char with a brand spanking new Battlecruiser that he won in a poker game out of my head. Along with his 'other winning', of course.

I can just see it now:

Matt: Looks like you need a hand, sir.
Jim: Matt, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. And where in Sam Hill did you find a Battlecruiser?
Matt: Won it in a poker game at Deadman's Port.
Mira: That's not all you won, my dear Matthew. <cheerfully> Mira Horner reporting for duty.
Jim: <after a short pause> Wait, was that...?
Matt: <through gritter teeth> Long... story... sir.

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Originally Posted by mr. peasant

In all seriousness, thoroughly enjoying the read. The twists definitely grow naturally and suit the characterisations you've given them. That said, the one thing that seemed out of place was in Breakout where Raynor was willing to sacrifice the lives of innocents for the sake of freeing Tosh's Spectre buddies. I understand it was needed as a catalyst to Horner leaving the Hyperion (or did he just resign as captain and is still onboard?). Perhaps it would have worked better if Raynor had employed some sort of ruse to distract Nova and calling her bluff, with Horner feeling it had been too risky/reckless a move.

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I like that. We still get the tension -- completely justified, from Matt's point of view -- but Raynor doesn't cross that line just yet in a concrete way. This is better because then the downward spiral is more gradual, as opposed to starting at the deep end and then letting up a little.

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Another issue I have, which also bugged me in the original WoL, was how Valerian just pops out of nowhere without prior introduction. Personally, it would work better if he was introduced earlier on as the new face of the Dominion or as a symbol for the Dominion's future. Maybe not in plot or mission but in the news clips, which I know you've deliberately not fleshed out.

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I agree completely, and as you said the news clips which I've been avoiding like the plague, save in that one instance of converting "Hearts and Minds" into a news clip, are the perfect venue for that. I'd also use it to show a lot more of the Dominion's war effort, namely Warfield and Gaskerville, up to this point. I think that as funny as (some of) Blizz's clips were, they were a very underutilized tool insofar as enhancing the scale of the world.

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Also, perhaps I'm reading too much into it (and been hanging out at TVTropes too much) but

Hidden Content:

am liking the foreshadowing you've slipped in on Hanson's true nature. Am I right in guessing that you're going with the bad end?

Makes the plot mighty interesting if it's the case.

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No such thing as too much TVTropes. Case in point: I'm not just going with the bad end, I'm going with the really really bad end. Check out a particular cinematic in Section One for extra foreshadowy badness.

edit: not so much 'foreshadowing' there as it is some delayed Nightmare Fuel, jerry-rigged to go off in the not-too distant future. ;)

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I think it's a given that Horner will return at some point in the campaign. However, I think it should be saved for a more desperate situation with Horner and whoever he brings arriving at the nick of time and coming off like big damn heroes.

Hidden Content:

If it was up to me, it would be definitely after the purging of the infected colonists since that too might be a touch too dark for the idealistic Horner. And I dunno... I can't get the picture of Horner showing up at Char with a brand spanking new Battlecruiser that he won in a poker game out of my head. Along with his 'other winning', of course.

I can just see it now:

Matt: Looks like you need a hand, sir.
Jim: Matt, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. And where in Sam Hill did you find a Battlecruiser?
Matt: Won it in a poker game at Deadman's Port.
Mira: That's not all you won, my dear Matthew. <cheerfully> Mira Horner reporting for duty.
Jim: <after a short pause> Wait, was that...?
Matt: <through gritter teeth> Long... story... sir.

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Wow. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to resist that now that I've read it.

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Originally Posted by pure.Wasted

. . .
No such thing as too much TVTropes. Case in point: I'm not just going with the bad end, I'm going with the really really bad end. Check out a particular cinematic in Section One for extra foreshadowy badness.

edit: not so much 'foreshadowing' there as it is some delayed Nightmare Fuel, jerry-rigged to go off in the not-too distant future. ;)


. . .

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I think I figured out what happens. Don't want to say it in case I spoil it for anyone else.

Very enjoyable and highly thought out re-write. Overall plot progression and character development are much more fluid, logical notably less nonsensical and hackneyed than they came off in WoL.

One thing I did notice though is the glaring lack of any TvP action (thus far).
If you're going to keep to your original goal of sticking as close as possible to WoL's established template, you'll probably want to included them at some point. And not just one or two 'token' missions a' la Broodwar either. Preferably several missions that contribute substantially to the storyline and with Protoss antagonists with actual personality, instead of generic card carrying dogmatic alien cliches.

Besides that, keep up the good work. Looking foreward to the final parts.:D

two things

1.) I actually liked the kerrigan redemption angle. The queen bitch of the universe would go stale (whereas coming to terms with her guilt and inner darkness offer far more compelling possibilities), the evil power controlling the zerg was foreshadowed in brood war (duran mentioned a "higher power" which is quite obviously dark voice), the retcon could work if the only thing dark voice changed was to focus entirely on the protoss (by all rights the protoss really shouldn't qualify since they were rejected as failures and the communal link that is their greatest strength is utterly incompatible with the zerg hivemind.)

2.) Why should this be really dark? Why can't their be some light sections?

3.) The side missions really aren't that pointless. the colonist missions allow raynor to save the life he failed to on tarsonis and demonstrate the effect that the war has on the little guys. why should hanson be bad. Also, hanson confirms that nova was lying about the spectres being psychos afterwards (if you do breakout before safe haven). the prophecy missions force raynor to face his hatred and accept that kerrigan really can be saved, valerians offer allows him to really make a difference, while the rebellion and covert missions allow raynor to overcome his cynicism.

These are actually three things :D But I totally agree with the third point.

While I think that pure.Wasted's version is great I consider the canonical WoL story to be no worse.

So, Karass, you wouldn't give Brian K and his crew any sort of constructive criticism about the story whatsoever?

Well, actually no, I would, but that mainly involves some writing issues. For instanse, I don't like Warfield's self-righteous bragging in pre-Char about how he held the line while Raynor (the guy who hepled save the universe from the Overmind!) "hid under a rock". I basically agree that it would've been better if Zeratul actually mentioned Duran in-game upon encountering Maar (although I think abscense of allusion to Duran is connected with the intrduction of Narud's character, who is linked to Duran somehow).

Also, we get to see a very little of Mengsk. It's no big deal, however, but it'd much cooler if there were more scenes with him, as well some interactions with Raynor other than than word-clash aboard Bucephalus.

I also have a little problem with Maar being (gameplay-wise) so relatively damn easy to kill. Of course, Tosh mentions it was "only the first of many", so Maar shouldn't be all that powerful, but he wasn't all that weak either (he mind-controlled an army of Protoss!) and they could've made him a real "boss"-type enemy in-game (in fact, Maar's AI is so stupid it barely uses his extremely overpowered unit abilities). The Hybrid units in In Utter Darkness mission were also somewhat underpowered (although, I think it's obvious that plot-wise there was no significant number of Hybrid attacking the Protoss on Ulnar, there were mainly enslaved Zerg), but we know that story-wise that the Hybrid are extremely powerful (their combined power was sufficent to destroy the universe!), so this is a problem with game mechanics, rather than story.

About Raynor's speech, I actually don't agree in the slightest about it being "horrendous". The scene itself looked somewhat cliche (in the way it was your typical rally speech), I agree, but Raynor says was actually relevant to the situation and - and there's no pont i denying it - the morally right thing to say ("but one thing I know - some thing are just worth fighting for). As for the rain pasrt, it's not something to be upset about, really :) We don't even have an in-depth understanding Char's climat, etc. to conclusively claim that there can be no non-acid rain (in fact, there are even trees seen on Char in The Ambush cinematic of SC1).

Overall, while I think that there are some flaws in WoL storyline, I consider it to be a worthy successor and continuation to ecxellent SC1 and its flaws are really not that sognificant once one factors in the fact that WoL is only a prologue of SC2 storyline (and despite that it's actually a complete story!) and a prelude for some even biger things to come.

Back on the topic at hand....

I wonder where the next part is due? Has Wasted given up?

T, I'm sure he's just preparing to finish up, just like Templar with his project...I hope to see continuation ASAP, but the more time they take, the better it may come out to be (hey that just sounded like I'm talking about game development :P). The only reason why I may feel that they don't quite have infinite amount of time is because if there is a 1% chance that Blizz writers will read their full essays (either here or on B.net if/when they post them there), it's better for them to read everything when there is still time for ideas to be utilized in the unlikely event they use some of them while making HotS.


Karass, not sure if you saw my poorly translated version of this review focusing on story on this site, but what do you think of AG's review? I'm guessing you disagree with it, but it's still well-written IMO :)