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Gosh... this section is horribly under-posted. So, here's me potentially setting myself up for major embarrassment while trying to revitalise the ol' Holo Deck. Anyone remember the writing contest Blizzard hosted about half a year ago? Did anyone else participate? Suffice to say, mine was a miserable failure.
Anyway, here's my entry. It's a little tribute in honour of the brave men and women in uniform. Let me know what you think. Be brutal. :D
Hey not too bad. The only part I cringed at was "However, were guile and deception even acceptable tools of war?"
I also think your Protoss dialog needs work. I'm having a hard time picturing:
“Medic!”
and
“So I bid you goodbye, gentlemen,”
I got a mental image of a Protoss tipping his hat lol.
Haha. Fair enough. I agree the 'guile and deception' part was a wee bit OTT but does it not perfectly epitomise the philosphical difference between the noble, honour-bound Templar warriors and their far more sneaky Dark Templar counterpart? ;)
I know what you mean about the 'medic' bit. At first, I tried looking for an alternative term but then realised everything the Protoss thinks and says are being translated so that the recipients understand and in terms they are familiar with. And since it was a throwaway line meant to describe the atmosphere, I just went with it since that's what we'd say when seeking medical aid and it helps the reader visualise the situation.
I admit, I like to picture Zealots as some sort of warrior-poet in the vein of Fenix. Hence, the touch of civility there (I actually did visualise it as the Protoss nodding his head akin to how we'd response if we weren't wearing hats). Besides, note the only other time the term 'other side' comes up and what it's referring to. They're charging against an enemy they have no hope of winning and they're doing so knowing that they're going to die in the process. Hence, the cheesy sentimentality. :D
But yeah... I admit writing dialogue for borrowed characters/races is not my strongest suit.