Raynor: Stuff is depressing. Stupid media telling lies or half-truths or whatever...
Adjutant: Start the mission already.
Raynor: Okay, it's time to kick this revolution into overdrive. *shoots the tv*
Adjutant: You did good.
Raynor: Thanks Adjutant. Thanks.
Raynor: O shit, Tychus! Long time no see.
Tychus: Egotistical quip.
Raynor: Retort, in demonstration of cowboy wit.
Tychus: So like... Jimmy, y'know, we oughta do another mission, y'know?
Raynor: O rly?
Tychus: Yeah. There's another artifact to do.
Raynor: Another one?
Tychus: No wait *checks script*. Yeah, no, sorry, this is the first one. *cough* spoilers *cough*
Raynor: Oooookay. Sounds howdy doody spectacular.
Tychus: Yeah, so can we do it already. Leaning like this gives me cramps and if I stand straight for too long, it feels like I gotta piss.
Raynor: Oh yeah okay. Let's go grab it then.
Adjutant: Mission #2, coming up.
Tychus: Oh yeah, we got that artifact alright.
Adjutant: Incoming zerg.
Raynor: God dammit Tychus.
Tychus: I didn't say anything.
Raynor: Still, I'm blaming you.
Tychus: Um... can we... can we start the next mission... ?
Raynor: No, we gotta talk a little more. Even though it's pretty obvious that this is going to be a survival mission.
Tychus: Lol, just like in Episode 1 of SC vanilla!
Raynor: Oooohp, clever!
Adjutant: Mission #3 starting. Hold onto your butts.
Raynor: Grah! You aren't Samuel L. Jackson. You're still a bland sounding computer lady that grows annoying after awhile (which you can't turn it off in the audio settings, for no reason).
Raynor: ... ?
Adjutant: Just um... waiting for the loading bar to fill... there. It's done. Press any key to continue.
Marine group: Can somebody help us?! God dammit I'm screaming to make a point here!!!
Marine group 2: Halp us too!
Raynor: It's a good thing I'm not playing on brutal. Now we gotta rescue those colonists, so we can kick this revolution into overdrive. *puts on sunglasses*
Tychus: Why are you talking to yourself?
Raynor: Oh c'mon, you can't honestly not realize that I'm talking to the player... ?
Tychus: Shut up!
Raynor: Okay, I promise I'll never again be meta. Or whatever.
Tychus: Great. Had enough dealing folks like you in prison...
Tychus: Holy shit, we're on a spaceship now. This place is niiice, Jimmy.
Matt: Thanks, Tychus. Thanks.
Raynor: Matt, look busy!
Matt: Oh - Oshit okay.
Raynor: *kicks sliding door* I wanna go to the cantina to get drunk.
Matt: Sorry sir, the cantina is closed right now for no reason.
Tychus: Crap! And if I'm not drinking, it really feels like I gotta piss!
Raynor: How does that even... ?
Tychus: No time! Get this mission done quick, befo' ah piss m'self!
Raynor: Jeeze, whatever fine. Whatever...
Kerrigan: Jimmy, I underestimated you yadda yadda whatever.
Raynor: Oh, what the fuck Kerrigan, it's only the fourth mission and you gotta show yourself already? So unfaiiiiir!
Kerrigan: Actually you're just supposed to say 'kerrigan'.
Kerrigan: Yeah, it's supposed to sound dramatic or something.
Raynor: I dunno, Sarah the infested Kerrigan Queen of Blades/Bitch of the Universe - relatively speaking, that sounds really fucking stupid and pointless, and whatever... um. Yeah, that's it. Didn't I swear revenge on... something. I forget.
Kerrigan: Okay... ? So I'll see you around, I guess?
Raynor: I GUESS. Okay, fine, whatever. There ain't no coffee stores for miles. I hate killing zerg *demonic voice* but there's nothing for it! */demonic voice*
Raynor: Who the fuck are you?
Egon: I'm your lab assistant who has been here the whole time. I... I... stutter and...
Raynor: What's that? You were muttering.
Egon: I also mutter...
Raynor: *chuckles* Ah! Get it! It's funny because you're a fucking nerd and that's your only fucking defining attribute! *straight face* Seriously.
Egon: Will the lab be open soon? That'd be great.
Raynor: Ahahahahahahahahahahaha.... ! And of course you work in the lab because you're the only nerd on the ship. Hahahahahahahahaha....
Matt: Ready to begin the next mission sir... uhm. Right, wait until you're done laughing.
Raynor: Okay, let's kick this revolution into overdrive. Matt?
Matt: Oh, um... ! *sighs inwardly* But this revolution is for... *fumbles with script* the good of us all and a better future and something something... !
Raynor: Yeah, I meant you're at the helm. We aren't doing that spiel yet.
Matt: Not yet? Uhm... right, right! *laughs* Of course. Begin the mission now?
Raynor: Not yeeeet! *winks* I gotta fuck around in the Cantina for a bit.
Matt: Oooookay. I'll be in the bathroom stall if you need me... crying...
Barman: I recommend the sex on the beach.
Raynor: Nah, I think I'll go for a brewskie, because I'm a tough guy and I wear clothes that represent that fact and I don't want anyone to think otherwise, 'cause I'm a leader of a revolution that needs to be kicked into overdrive right after... right after I get on my ass drunk.
Barman: Yes, and clearly you're the best man for the job.
Raynor: Damn right. Now how about that drink.
Barman: Hum. Yes. About that - I'm not an interactable character.
Raynor: What... !?! You mean I can't get drunk, despite it being my charcter angle? Fiiiine. I guess I'll just have a sex on the beach.
Barman: Coming up... wait a minute. I see what you did there.
Raynor: Ahhhh fuck. Okay. That's it. I'm never going to see you again, except to hear pointless dialogue quips from you between missions.
Barman: Fair enough. I'll be here tomorrow. Continually shining this table and strolling back and forth uselessly.
Raynor: Thanks barman. Baaaaaai naooooow!
Raynor: Who the hell are you?
Shady Dude: Oh, no one in particular.
Raynor: Guess I'll be ignoring you too then.
Shady Dude: No wait! But you came to the right place. I got some super interesting mercenaries for you.
Raynor: Do they cost money?
Shady Dude: Uh yes, credits.
Raynor: Eh. Couldn't get a drink, might as well get some hammer securities whatevers.
Shady Dude: Awesome.
Raynor: So... I guess it's implied that I hand over the money.
Shady Dude: Why yes. Via digital telepathy whatevers.
Raynor: Awesome. Oh, look an arcade. Lost viking? Never heard of that. I don't like things I've never heard of, I'm going to the armory.
Shady Dude: What, are you waiting for, my input? It's not like I'd actually care.
Raynor: Screw it. I'm really gone this time.
Shady Dude: Good for you.
Swan: Wassup cowboy.
Swan: Hi, Raynor.
Raynor: Oh! You were referring to me, because I'm a bad ass space cowboy and don't you forget it!
Swan: Yes, clearly, you're the beeest.
Raynor: So what'd you want.
Swan: Oh the crew's complaining about wages and shit and some are even talking about mutiny, but it's a pointless subplot that'll be going nowhere, so I dunno why I even just mentioned it. So, with that out of the way...
Raynor: What's this big flashy, ridiculous looking console in front of me? It looks like a retarded video game for babies.
Swan: Why, that's a push button interface that tells me which upgrades to purchase for you.
Raynor: Why can't I just tell you to invent something... ?
Swan: Nah, I just buy it and set it up. Look, it's really complicated and procedure-riffic. You wouldn't even begin to understand. I have a space-degree in misc. sci-fi engineering, not you.
Raynor: So like, you give me new upgrades and I purchase them by clicking buttons on that console?
Swan: Precisely. Yeah.
Raynor: Um... right, again, I should ask, why don't I just fucking tell you what's going on... ?
Swan: Look. You're the boss. You're the captain of the ship. By going through this interface, we get legal out of the way.
Raynor: But aren't I a rebel that deals in black market and space pirating?
Swan: Ah, but you still have to go through legal sales procedure, since we're depending on companies to deliver this stuff, and they often prefer to enforce it.
Raynor: Ohhhp! Hidden irony! Whatever. *makes purchases*.
Swan: Thank you for that.
Ariel: You gotta save me! Zerg are attacking my colony!
Tychus: Let's ignore that mission.
Matt: But Jim, we're the good guyz!
Raynor: *sigh* FINE! *beeps in* Ariel, can you hear me, we're coming to save you, even though I don't personally know you. Also, I don't intend to harbour any romantic feelings towards you that might possibly contradict the broader Kerrigan storyline.
Ariel: Oh look a perfect signal, even though it was all static a minute ago. Alright, that's really cool that your going to save me. I also want you to save my colonist buddies.
Ariel: Thanks for saving me, Jim. Thanks.
Raynor: Yeah, you're welcome already.
Ariel: Can we make the next mission the one where you save more colonists on another planet which might currently be horribly infested?
Raynor: Nah, I wanna do the devil's playground, because playgrounds sound fun.
Ariel: Ah, fine. I suppose those colonists under attack by horrible, rapidly spreading infestation can wait.
Raynor: Good, because I really wanna do devil's playground. I'm glad you're not guilt tripping me or anything.
Ariel: No, of course, we wouldn't want that, would we? *secret sociopathic grin*
Matt: Lab's open now, if anyone cares.
Ariel: Oh great, now Egon can feel even less important with my credentials around. Also, you're ship is in shit shape what with the lab.
Raynor: Don't you ever say those mean things!!! Oh wait, no that's not right. I should be especially nice to you, because you're a woman. Guess it's a part of my character or something.
Ariel: Yeah, you do that.
Tosh: Hello. I'm a psychic space Jamaican. How are you, mon?
Raynor: Life's good. How 'bout you?
Tosh: Oh, but I hear you've been doing well. But not well enough without me by your side.
Raynor: So what are you saying.
Tosh: I'm saying I should join you, you moron.
Raynor: Okay. But first I'd like to say that you are also a stupid moron idiot.
Tosh: Den we're even, mon. But first you gotta do dis mission.
Egon: Yeah, and you also gotta go kill a brutalisk for me.
Raynor: What's that, bitch?
Egon: Oh um... nothing. For us. I meant, for us.
Tosh: Good job Raynor. I bet we'll make a great team. You an' me. Also, everything else I say is a redundant variation on ass kicking and how asses shall be kicked and how kicking shall commence on asses and...
Raynor: Got it. Can we move along? Research, armory. Oops, no money left to spend on mercs.
Raynor: Next mission? Lez go!
Ariel: I'm so glad you dealt with that infestation so thouroughly.
Matt: Yes, the loss of life on our side greatly surmounted the amount of colonist lives we managed to rescue, but it was worth the warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you know you did something good.
Narrator: And thus did Tychus Findlay's heart grow three sizes that day.
Tychus: No it didn't. *shoots narrator*
Raynor: Well that was pointless.
Donny: Affirmation of what's going on.
Kate: Reaffirming Raynor's mission to kill the Queen of Blades.
Raynor: Thanks media. Thanks.
That's funny, convict, I don't recall giving you access to our database.
Just keeping up on current events, 'captain', because I have l33t hacking skillz, and bet you didn't see that coming because I look all big and stupid, huh? Also, seems this 'Queen of Blades' got everybody running scared. She don't look so tough.
You have no idea who she is, do you, Tychus?
Don't matter to me none.
Well it matters to Jim. Because I need to re-affirm the romance that they share, in case the player fucking forgot or something.
...Wait a minute...(chuckles) you're tellin' me they were shacked up?!
(sighs) Apparently she was something else... Before the zerg took her. Turned her into that.
And Jimmy feels responsible. Hm, maybe I'll use this against him or maybe not, that's just stupid...
Honestly, if we have to face her again I don't know what he'll do.
Woman like that...there's only one thing to do.
Raynor: Haha, get it? Because he's going to kill her! And I guess most of the audience is cheering for him about now, because she's a bitch and all, but... seriously... what? Is he supposed to be an anti-hero still? I thought I was one. Ah, fuck it, whatever.
Donny: Guess what - Donny Vermillion, Live, to let you know that I'm the stupid pro-government, propaganda spewer!
Kate: And this is Kate Lockwell reporting to say that I'm the spritely liberal news chick, that not-so-subtly gives vocal support for the terrorist Raynor and stuff!
Donny: It's a wonder you haven't been fired or given a stern telling to yet. I guess nobody cares. Whatever.
Donny: Fucking whatever...
Tychus: Why does no one ever change the channel on that thing?
Barman: There's only one channel.
Tychus: Only one channel, eh...
Tychus: So, I guess maybe. Maybe someone should turn it off or something.
Barman: It's fer atmosphere. Lotta guys come in here, they like to see what's on TV and then they say 'oh it's the news again'. Most of 'em are more entertained by the commercials. Ah well. Oh, but Raynor, y'know what he said? He says "I gotta keep tabs on the dominion". Damn paranoid if you ask me, but no one really asks me anything. Oh - but also, I can't find the changer.
Tychus: Oh, I musta sat on it.
Barman: Maybe, I can't find the damn thing.
Tychus: So, can't you just unplug it?
Barman: No... it's. What?
Tychus: Can't you unplug it? You know, yank it out of the...
Barman: There's a very thick plug connected to it. I dunno, if it's a monitor or something. Anyway, captain once to keep it in place.
Tychus: What, do they got their own network running on it?
Barman: Um... why yes. Karaoke has died though. There's not really a lot of stuff on that network. So, we just show the news. It's all Raynor ever wants to see.
Tychus: Ok. So... yeah, I guess Raynor's not one to enjoy television.
Barman: No, and frankly I was a bit confused at first when you mentioned 'change the channel'.
Tychus: Right. Well, I'ma gonna go to sleep now.
Barman: Say, Raynor told me that you're locked in there. So, tell me - how do you piss in that thing?
Tychus: I don't. I been holding it all this time, man. It... it feels nice, but you gotta let it out after awhile.
Barman: Y'know, you can get a urinary tract infection, right?
Tychus: I know, I know. Prolly already got one. I trust the strength of my buddy down there though, and when the time comes, I'll let it out. It'll be rewarding.
Barman: You're just waiting for that day huh?
Tychus: Awwwww yeah. *visor closes*
Barman: Tycho? Tych - what's your name? T - a - y... huh. Not responding. Guess he's asleep. Oh well, back to shining my counter, and leaning forward.
Ariel: Oh noes, the protoss are attacking another colony, which contains MY PEOPLE again.
Matt: You're people, still?
Ariel: Fuck you! *cries* We get around, I guess. Whatever, that doesn't matter right now.
Matt: So wait, they're really just random colonists that you don't even know, yet you are...
Ariel: *determined* I am imploring you to use your limited resources once again and save people. Who cares if I don't know them.
Matt: Who cares?
Ariel: I didn't mean to say that. They're human beings! Look into your heart!
Matt: Sir, we're wasting time here...
Raynor: *takes off sunglasses* You heard the woman.
Matt: Gah, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Matt: Whatever, nobody even listens to me anymore. Whatever! "You heard the woman!" Durpity doo. * Just making it happen, because I'm the helmsman. Ha. Oh no, that mutiny plot is going nowhere I'll bet. Sure... of course it isn't.
Raynor: What's that about a mutiny?
Matt: Uhm... ! I meant to say, sir. What I meant to say is y'know - isn't isn't isn't... isn't. *cough* isn't. That's what I said, because notice the stress on isn't.
Raynor: Wait, so that's four isn'ts. And that cough signifies... ? Now I'm a bit confused.
Matt: I meant nothing by what I said. Okay?
Raynor: *balking* Oh, okay then.
Crewmember: Boopdy boop boop. Pushin' buttons on my computer console thingamajig.
Selendis: *surprise view screen* JAMES RAYNOR!
Matt and Everyone: Ahhh!
Selendis: ... I've heard of you. Y'know, you're really cool and stuff and you helped us on Aiur with your battlecruiser and didn't afraid of anything. But! Yoouuuuu must turn back. We're going to purge! Yes. PURGE Haven, and you do realize that it'd be bad for racial relations if any of the scorched human ashes were to splash on your ship, via a gust of space wind or something. That'd be terrible for diplomacy and stuff in the future when the protoss rise up (zieg heil).
Raynor: Um... what? Oh yeah, thanks.
Raynor: Oh no, no you don't!
Raynor: You aren't burning those colonists. Even if they are infested, which they are, right?
Selendis: Why um... yes. They are. In fact, they're so infested that we've decided to burn the entire world in a very slow process via this single ship we call a purifier (the name suits it does it not? Admire the purifier! Gaze upon it's GLORY!). And anyway... Even though we normally do it via carrier fleet, but... y'know what, I dunno. Things have changed I guess?
What are we even doing out here anyway, we're supposed to be helping to rebuild Shakuras after that last cataclysmic invasion by the zerg, which as you well know - came after the fight on Aiur. And you helped there too (sorta). Thanks for that. But... what was I saying?
Matt: Well, I dunno. It's been ten years, and I don't think you were in the last game.
Ariel: No breaking of the fourth wall, you bastard! My people (tm) are dying and I swear to god...
Raynor: *gets out a clipboard and reading glasses* Okay, okay, okay, hold up a second - doing the math. You're out here to purge an entire world called 'Haven' is that right?
Selendis: Correct. We're both floating above it right now. It's a beautiful and vibrant world, one of many which we've terraformed. Reminds me of Aiur. Pity we have to burn it. Almost... almost reflects a poor understanding of the zerg really, since they don't actually feed off of organic life, they just build over it, but...
Raynor: Hold up. And... that's only because it's beyond saving.
Raynor: And by 'beyond saving' you aren't just being lazy and taking the easy way out... ?
Selendis: *dismayed* Well actually...
Selendis: I mean. Sorry, nothing, continue.
Raynor: Aha! Caught you... you've been caught. I knew I was good at this.
Selendis: ... Is this another one of your human social conventions and/or games? Please explain. My telepathy is a bit off and needs to be attenuated to your signal. It could just be the distance between our ships...
Raynor: Yeah, no. I caught you. There IS a more efficient/convenient way of doing this isn't there?
Selendis: Ugh. It'd conserve precious protoss lives!
Raynor: Ah, well, makes sense. I mean, the protoss are probably a very low demographic now, considering the past two highly destructive wars they were in... maybe. I dunno. I won't bother to confirm with Selendis about that or anything.
Ariel: I may not have studied much about the protoss (or, I'll be quick to admit it later). But Jim, she's evil! And a protoss life is less valuable than that of a human life.
Selendis: Oh, sure. Y'know, I'm standing right here, bitch. You wanna go?
Ariel: I do wanna go! I'm all ready to go, bitch! I will hammer you down with my human skill, don't you play me! Jim, you're human, right?! Last I checked, you were fucking human.
Raynor: Huh? I think I just blanked out for a second there, sorry.
Ariel: *tearful ranting* And Matt said you're the good guyz!
Matt: Actually, I thought Matt didn't say fucking anything because nobody's listening to Matt.
Raynor: Oh. Okay. Well, hm. Intriguing, Ariel. Please elaborate.
Ariel: *calming down* If you help the protoss, you won't get rid of the infestation. They only wish to burn this world and stuff.
Raynor: *adopts Kirk angle* But what if I negotiate an alternative?
Matt: Am I right? Hello! Is anyone actually hearing this? Or does my voice ring a little too dull.
Ariel: They can't be negotiated with! They're aliens.
Matt: *reflecting* My god. It can't be because I only ever repeat the obvious that nobody's listening. That's too stupid.
Raynor: That's true.
Matt: *detached* Is anybody out there? My reality is crashing down before my eyes.
Ariel: You see, don't you?
Raynor: Yeah, but what if we do this by ourselves?
Ariel: That's even crazier somehow! Even though I don't have any information on how bad the infestation is, and looking couldn't hurt, I still think that resources should be wasted on fighting the protoss. There's no other means of pursuading them. All they understand is violence, because they're a warlike race. We gotta save who we can, and leave the rest.
Matt: *brooding quietly* Is it just me, or does Ariel not even have any fucking facts backing up her statements about protoss behavior and attitude towards war? I mean, of all the people, Raynor should understand them the most from a social context and be the most capable of diplomacy. Isn't there a third option! C'mon Jim, use you're negotiatin' skills.
Raynor: You're right, Ariel!
Matt: Oh, for fucks sake.
Raynor: We can't possibly win if we tackle the infestation head on. The protoss plan to 'purify' this world. The very word makes me sick to my stomach. *spits* We should fight them with all we've got. Even though I was once their ally, I can't stomach this! Fuck the protoss. We're saving those colonists.
Matt: Well sir, you really screwed the pooch on this one. Most of our resources for continuing the rebellion are gone, and what colonists we did manage to save haven't got much to offer except credits which will be hard to spend, considering our outlawed status. And that's not including how many of them might have taken on spores.
Raynor: *hands in steeple* It's okay. I will head to the armory.
Matt: For fucking what, sir?
Raynor: To seek affirmation from Swan!
Raynor: Swan! Am I a good leader, still?
Swan: Yeah, you did good out there, hotshot. Friends don't let friends murder civilians.
Raynor: Ah, so I'm still a hot shot aren't I?
Swan: I'm still calling you that.
Raynor: Lol! Oh, Swan.
Swan: Yeah, those protoss will probably forgive you.
Raynor: Ah... yeah, maybe. So, how am I gonna purchase new weapons and stuff?
Swan: Oh, just head on over to that console.
Raynor: But I thought we ran out of resources?
Swan: Nah, there's a black market full of two-faced companies with fringe connections that aren't dominion, everywhere. Spending those credits should be easy.
Swan: Seeya 'round hotshot.
Raynor: Cow boy.
Swan: No, you're the cowboy.
Raynor: *face contorts with glee* DAMN RIGHT.
Raynor: So, I'll be going now.
Swan: Seeya. *whispers* hotshot cowboy with a heart of gold, and he gonna find his girl oh yes he will, because he's the space cowboy from the desert planet, an'...
This is the only plot of starcraft 2 that is probably significant to the forced sequel. The only one. When will the player re-live things through my eyes, huh? Whatever.
Swan: Hm... maybe I should publish a song or somethin'. Kachinsky, make a note.
Kachinsky: Sir, I'm a genius and your second in command in the engineering wing, why the hell am I making notes for you.
Swan: ... Kachinsky, get me coffee.
Kachinsky: There's other people that work here.
Swan: But am I talking to anyone else?
Kachinsky: There's an echo. Other people can hear you...
Swan: Get. Me. Coffee.
Kachinsky: Fuck. Fine! I mean, I was looking over the latest R&D intel of the kel-morians that I brought along. Because, I'm Kel-morian and I brought in intel from them. And you... oh.
Swan: Coffee now, or I'm demoting you!
Kachinsky: But I'm second in command *sobs quietely*
Swan: You must acknowledge me when I'm talking to you.
Kachinsky: Yes sir! *chokes*
Swan: That's the spirit. Engineer first man, skipped several grades, brilliant, and he's gonna contribute nothing to the story even though blizzard wrote a bio for him, yes he will. He makes me proud. If only lesser crewmen could aspire to his status... And hey, if writers were this bored, what happened to the rest of the content for this game? Musta got thrown away with DRM or something.
Crewman #1: Crap, lost connection again. Son of a bitch. Why are we so far away from the dominion core worlds? That only makes my connection weaker! I vote that we move closer to dominion space, so that we can play starcraft 2 more often. Like hell if I'm not gonna get into gold league, before a zergling inevitably eats my unprotected, soft, fleshy face off.
Crewman #2: Yeah, if something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna mutiny.
Swan: What's that? Or do my ears deceive me? Nah, they probably deceiving me or something.